2015 Motto

Simply Put...

2015 Motto!

Holidays...

My motto all year has pretty much been "It is what it is."  I see that being the same next year as well.  I'm not a fan of the holidays, not because of some of the reasons most have but not all that different I guess either.  I think part of my issues with this holiday season is that the new year is just weeks away and there is the beginning of some sort of expectation of what is to come.  Kind of like the whole concept of making resolutions... I REFUSE to make resolutions.  So, my holiday is going to be pretty much just another day here in my apartment by myself.  bleh.

This past year has been a bit of a nightmare for me, even tho it happened in a more "calm" manner than some who go thru the same thing.  The way, process, reasons, etc.  seem to be haunting me on a daily basis now.  I have a new battle on top of the existing one.  

My new life is one that is very limited in several ways, healthcare, money and living space is just part of that.  I've had to give up so much more than just my house and my "life style"  Financially I am trying to figure out what I can and can’t' keep in order to pay the bills necessary for survival.  Then also trying to figure out what I can sell or give away to make my apartment less grounded... (giving up more stuff... sigh).  

Well enough downer from me, I do hope everyone else's holidays are going well and I wish you all a wonderful Holiday season. 

Life Changes and Challenges

***Fair Warning Long Entry***  

(and please forgive me for typos and any other weirdness in my writing, rough week effects my brain and I'm not willing to spend the time to proofread and edit anymore!)

So, those who have read my journal know that I recently became divorced.  I strangely enough have remained good friends with my ex, which all things considered is a bit surprising but at the same time, we were friends to begin with, for over 20 years.  Am I happy that I went thru what I did over the last seven years of our marriage  hell no!  However, going forward in my life I also see that the powers that be have known for quite a while this was not going to work out.  It took a few knocks upside the head, a few too obvious clues to really "Get It" ..

What it boils down to is this: There are now four people who are very happy and content with how things have turned out, even though we had ALL "set it in stone" that there would be no relationships, much less serious for a long while.  THEN things just happened and fell into place.

My now ex husband met acquaintance of mine who I have find to be a very good person, I'm a friend to her, but we've never really gotten to know each other that well.  Neither of them looking for a relationship started out with lunch and ended up in an exclusive serious relationship and they appear to be happy.  Maybe they'll be right for each other.  I know that I wish for them the best and have no intentions of any kind to get in the middle of it.  It's kind of weird because she and I chat every so often and sometimes about him, and yet there is no animosity and no jealousy or anything like that, and I do not say anything concerning the relationship issues we had.

Then there is me... that somehow ended up back with my youngest son's father, someone that has always had a place in my heart and never lost my feelings for.  (My now ex even knew that)  But he and I had gone our separate ways back then due to some circumstantial stuff and well we were young too.  I had trust issues, he had some issues to work out as well.  We stayed friends until he disappeared, when I found him again while looking for him for my son it was obvious that there were still feelings there, but he was married as was I so neither of us expected any of that to change.  There were times we would avoid eye contact when exchanging our son during visitations.  Well when my son got mauled by a not long after the whole divorce thing started, he and I started talking again and his divorce had just become final not long ago (tho his was not as amicable and was a year and a half of fighting and drawn out... long story there.)  Anyways, he and I both also were not looking to get into a relationship, but ... well he came to visit and BAM it happened... with signs from everywhere coming from all directions.  SO... we are serious and happy as well.  

So all turned out and I believe it was what the powers to be that play a HUGE part in it all.  I believe some of this was discussed in a vague manner in my last entry.   But it appears we are all exactly where we need to be, we are all happy for each other and with our personal relationships.  There is no anger, in fact there are times it is quite humorous because I do know his significant other and we message each other occasionally and then he'll call and ask me dumb questions like if I left him a thermometer because he wanted to see if he had a fever, I told him where to look he found three, two broken and on rectal...which of course turned into a hilarious conversation.

The complicate part of this is that my sweetheart lives 225 miles away from me right now and we are trying to visit each other on his days off.  And so much has been going on with his family that it's been difficult for him to leave and come to me.  Long story overall but his mother has been in and out of the hospital for the last month or so for different things (she's in bad shape health wise) his daughter had to have emergency surgery 2 weeks ago, then yesterday his son tried to commit suicide and is in ICU on basically life support.  Slim to none chance of survival etc.   SO yeah, its been rough but at least none of this started to happen until after he had someone to help him thru it and be there for him.

Another complication is that his ex does not know we are together and when she finds out... it is not going to be a good experience and unfortunately that is most likely going to happen tomorrow early afternoon.  Hopefully she'll be respectful enough to hold her attitude back.  I know it won't be me who starts it... and if she tries, she will not get a reaction from me, I will not do that to my sweetheart nor his son.

Then there is the complication that I can not put my ex and my darling in the same room.  BECAUSE My sweetheart (name being anonymous for a reason) was raised as a gentleman, country boy, who believes in treating a woman with respect and dignity and believes in thru sickness and health, thru the good times and the bad, and well he knows a lot of the things that I went thru and the three months I lived as a guest in my own home just tipped the scales for him.  He wants so bad to let loose on Greg but I have told him I would be upset and that I know he doesn't approve any more than I do of his ex and what she did, but it's better to leave the past behind and just enjoy the present and the future to come.   

Anyways, there is my update.  Time to get a little rest so that I can drive back to the hospital (in another town) so he can get a little rest.  No turkey day for us.       It's hard for him and his family right now to be thankful when they are most likely going to loose his son.   Going to make future Thanksgivings hard as well.  

Side Note: My mom just called and told me all about what she is making for Turkey Day that I'm missing out on, would have anyways because they live in another state.  But OMG.... I was drooling on myself.  NO FAIR.

Toodles

On the other side is Gratitude

Gratitude

The universe has a strange way of putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Sometimes it is literally all about timing, experiences no matter how long or how painful, in the end it appears the universe seems to have its own plan... and sometimes it takes a few anvils but then it becomes what it should, the pieces fit. I'm grateful that the universe has put the puzzle pieces together. I hope it works the same for the others involved. What feels right feels right.   —feeling fantastic.

Today I look at myself and where I currently stand, where my heart is and what direction my future is facing and I realize that the events had to happen, the way they happened, in the time that they happened, in order for things to turn out the way that they have.  Kind of hard to ignore the powers that be, whether you call it a higher power, God, Goddess, and the Universe etc. went hey had a very strong plan and well... it appears insisted on myself and even my now ex-husband to listen.  There are now four people that I believe are happier than they have been in a very long time.  Through the pain and darkness there is joy and light!  Profound.... but very true.

I found out on Oct. 3rd that my divorce was final on the 26th of September.  For some reason my attorney didn't seem to feel it was necessary for me to know this any sooner.  In the past several months I had dreaded this day, was hurt and devastated because I was unwilling to accept that what I had as a marriage for the past 7 years was not a marriage anymore, that he saw me as a different person once the whole tumor event started.  I'm not making excuses or agreeing with all that happened as how it happened, but I will say this.... everything does indeed happen for a reason!!!

New Leaf

Initially my thought on this was:  "Something I am going to try and really work on hard!  I'll get there, hopefully sooner rather than later!

By the end of the same day my thought process concerning this was something that even I did not expect.  "Sometimes it's really not as hard as you think, then all you have to do is hold onto it.  May the universe bring me into tomorrow with the same knowledge I've learned today, and with the courage and resolution to have brighter days ahead!"

Being a Failure

So, I have found that I have one more thing I am failing at... problem is... I can't talk about it because well, then I'm just being more of a failure.

As a person who used to be extremely social, with zero problems at doing so, now it seems my best bet is to just stay quiet and let that go too.

I give... someone else do this shit!

Getting over it ....

You know... "grief and mourning" is something life just hands us, whether it is a death of a loved one or the death of a pet, or child, or the loss of a friend or the loss of a relationship or marriage.  They all have one thing in common, the stages it takes to get over it and move on.  Not forget, but move forward.

Now I am not going to say any of it is easy... I know for me it has been hell.  But now that I've past the initial stage of pain, sorrow and lots of crying.  Now mostly thru the second stage of anger and hurt and betrayal and moving on to stage three... I'm gettin' over it and moving on.  (mind you that doesn't mean 1 & 2 don't rear up their ugly little heads here and there but it's brief.)  Many things have been pointed out to me over the last four months, some of them I was quite aware of and prided myself on, not realizing it had became what "defined" me.

Now I'm in my own apartment and at first all I could say is "this is not my home" and now... it's still not quite home and far from comfy at the moment, but it is my new life... the beginning stages of finding a place in a life I've never lived before.  A life where I'm not obligated to take care of anyone else.  No kids to cook for, no time schedule to keep, nothing I have to do other than pay bills and taxes (and eat occasionally), nothing to hold me back other than my own fears (with the exception of the obvious physical ability and money).  I was told that it was my time to do for me and that I've spent way to long giving to everyone else and that it was my time to learn to receive.  

I had a conversation with an old friend who said, if I had four days to plan an "in town" vacation where I were taken out... where would I want to go, to make a list and think about what would make me smile.  I never thought that it would be hard to think of something like that.  But strangely it is.  Because my immediate thought process is, but who else is going and what would they like to do, what would they want, what is inexpensive, I don't know how to make my brain work any other way.  And I'm sure it won't ever, it is who I am.  But the conversation made me realize that's the way it's always been.  Some of that is good... too much of it I guess becomes a liability instead of an asset.

I was told that I am being given a new life and it's gonna be different, it's gonna be scary, it's gonna be new, but it's for me.  Personally I feel like I've been pretty selfish lately in all my weeping and whining to others, but I guess that's a different type of thing.

The future is unknown to me... its scary ... and makes me want to run and hide.  I don't know how to live life any different than I have been.  Not in any form of sanity and safety at least.  lol   I refuse to let myself fall in that direction again.  One I'm too old for that and two I think I learned my lessons there.

I have ZERO desire to get involved with anyone, I have no desire to ever be in another relationship.  And tho it may be something some think is unrealistic, its what I've gotta do for me.  Now that doesn't mean I won't date, go out for dinner or movie or dancing.  Just means no commitment, no heartache.  And I will continuously make that a known fact... out loud and clear.  Not that I think I have much to worry about, at this stage of my life and in this day and age, real dates are a thing of the past, chivalry is basically dead, and things are done in a jump in and run with it way, and that ... is not gonna be.me.

Anyways, I've rambled, just figured it was time to replace the last entry!

THIS is NOT my HOME!`

This is not my home, this is a place where my stuff is located, a place where I sleep, a place where I eat, but THIS is not my home!

It's not about whether or not all my belongings are put in place, or how I decorate.  It's where I am not that makes this wrong.  My heart is elsewhere, my dreams are destroyed, my hopes are gone, my future is now an empty place in the space around me.

In this life I have succeeded at very little and the one thing I seem to have succeed at the best is being alone.  No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love, no matter how much I give, no matter who I trust, I always end up... alone.  I am broken inside and out.  I'm tired and I am alone.  

Yes I'll make it through another day, I'll live through all of the heartache and pain again.  But when will it end?  I asked a million times over why did I survive my surgery, to only have lived the last seven years fighting to hold on to what was not meant to be.  I got my "two minutes" it was short and sweet and is now gone, never to be again.

I want to dip my heart in hot steel and seal it up forever, never to give... never to receive... never to hurt so deeply again.

My home... was with him, my home was there, in the house we bought to spend the rest of our lives in, the house where I planned our future days.  Not this apartment that is holding my stuff, where the silence is deafening and the rooms are empty space no matter how much stuff I put in them.  I can talk to walls, they may even listen... but they do not laugh at my follies nor do they show enthusiasm in things I show or do.  They are just walls, holding up the space between the floor and the ceiling.  So though they may protect me, they do not comfort me.

I do not want to be here... but this is where I am.... and I guess it is where I am meant to be.... alone.

OH the joys...

Just ONE fot he rooms.  I have NO idea where I am going to put it all.  I am sure I will have to get rid of some things, unfortunately probably books.  :(   And the joys of apartment living... people stomping on your head.  I'm happy that there doesn't appear to be children but this person walks like a freakin elephant!!!

Busy Busy... Oh and I had to report damage that needs to be fixed asap also.  These apartments looked to be very nice, and tho I expected the apartment to be less than the show one, I did NOT expect this and told them I expected better and was VERY disappointed.  They immediately put in a work order within ten minutes, but I had to  delay it by a day so I can move boxes and make room for them to safely travel in and out etc.  The girls at the office were unaware and shocked by the pictures that I too.

Here are just a two of 31 pics I took:

 

Move In day

It's Moving Day...

picture above it not me... tho I am a redhead.

I HATE THIS DAY.... HATE HATE HATE HATE IT

It's the last day I get to live in MY home.

I don't wanna go, I don't wanna be single again.

Holding it together is going to be very very difficult today.

Day 1 of 4 of the moving process... :( *sigh*

Day 1 of moving stage starts today.... sort of.  Gotta get the final stages of boxing up done, pick up my modem for my internet and who knows what else.   Tomorrow we start loading the truck with all the boxes and stuff that can be easily taken to the truck.  Saturday we have a few helpers coming to help with the few bigger items I have (really mainly the washer and dryer and my amoire, dresser, desk and table.  I don't have a lot of furniture just s SH!T TON of boxes!!!!

This is the final road

Five more days and I'm moving into my apartment.  Away from my home, divorce filed, temporary orders will be in place, and reality is gonna be really hard to handle.

I wish I could say I'm as strong as everyone seems to think I am, but this one is breaking me, tearing at every fiber of my being.  I feel like I'm sinking.   I keep trying to think of some way to wake up from all of this and it's all a bad dream... problem is... wake up when?  6 months ago, 1 year, 7 years.... and not have surgery , 9 years and not married him, 12 years ago and not moved him to Dallas and started the relationship or all the way back to 1996 and just not met him.  I love him so much and I can't imagine him not in my life and want our friendship to survive... but I'm so hurt and betrayed.  :(

Songs from the 80's keep popping up that are fitting.... or everywhere I look I see happy couples and marriage and shit like that.  I just can't do this shit!

I'm at a point in my life where I wonder if it is worth it.  I'm 45, disabled and broken.  I'll get up again tomorrow and do it all over again and again and again.  For everyone else.

Too close for comfort...

SO, in less than two weeks I will be moving into an apartment that is half the size of my home and will be very much alone 99% of the time. For one, I hate moving... but this ... this goes way beyond hating to move. The pain inside is overwhelming and sleep is fleeting at best. I'm hurt and spend more way too much time crying. BUT ... I have to suck it up and get my shit together by next Friday. And by that I mean ALL my shit together, gotta get the rest of my stuff packed (a good portion has to wait to the very last day!... ugh) Gotta get electric and internet turned on at the apartment. Gotta get the water and gas swapped over to the "wasbunds" name asap. Gotta light a fire under the attorney's ass or shall I say the paralegal's ass!!! Getting really fed up with that whole deal. Uncontested means SIMPLE... but these people are trying their best to complicate it because then they can make more money... or so they think. Really I'm at a loss, for someone who is supposed to be helping ME out they are doing quite the opposite! I'm in desperate need of Temporary Orders of Spousal Support and proof of continued medical coverage until said time that the divorce is final and permanent orders are in effect. I have absolutely no way to prove income of any kind other than the measly $805 via SSD which at the moment is not $805 because they keep taking out the Part B when I've sent them the card to opt out! Ugh.

Anyways, so it has been almost three full months since the D-bomb was dropped and I'm finally getting away from the house, it hurts like hell but I supposed not being around him daily will hurt less .... eventually. You would think that by now I would just be angry at him for not wanting to be my husband, but he makes it hard to be angry when he is doing all that he is for me. But the hurt is still very overwhelming. Anyways, figured an update was in order.

All in all ... I'm not at all in a good place emotionally and have no idea how to get thru this, just making it thru each day one at a time is hard enough!

Process is starting.... :(

So went to the attorney for the consult yesterday, was originally told that we could both go in and discuss things together but turned out not to be true.  So now it looks like I'm filing for divorce from him, which is backwards but I guess as an uncontested it doesn't matter and it saves $2k in the long wrong.  Learned a lot, know where all we need to go from here, have come up with some solutions to problems that were baffling us before and of course have some new questions.  But overall its getting started.  Come first of July we will be starting this process and around mid to late September is when I am assuming it to be final.

This shit just got real!

Warning Graphic Images - Not intended for the squeemish!

On Friday my youngest son and his girlfriend were attacked by a dog (the breed is of not matter because it is the training of the owner, not the breed, that is to blame) Below is the front page story of the incident, added are my corrections (media never gets things right).  My information was from the officer on scene.

Click link below for larger more image so it can be read more easily 
Full size image of article

These are only images of my son, his girlfriends leg was torn up quite badly as well. This first image is the easiest to handle, if it bothers you, please do not continue viewing this blog post!  They hospital sent my son home mere hours after the extensive 1-2 hour surgery it took to repair his neck and face as well as other wounds.  I am appauled at this for many reasons, one they do not know if the dog has rabies or not, two they are assuming that he will not have complications from the surgery, plus they live 23 miles away from the hospital with no transportation.  I think the hospital should have at least kept him overnight to monitor him, as well as treat the pain.  He was sent home with a prescription for the standard pain medicine.

The dog had already had a record of doing this and therefore the owner is going to be in debt for a very long time because they are responsible for the injuries of other people (not just their own).

After Surgery

In the ER

 

Its been 6 weeks now

It's been six weeks now and it feels like its been 6 months... and I just keep having to tell myself.... just keep swimming, just keep swimming...   UGH.........

I did get some good news and that is that I got my approval for my SS disability, but still do not know how much or when etc.   Gonna try and get a consult set up with an attorney as soon as we know the details on that monthly amount and start date so we have a starting point and go from there. Need to find out what all needs to be in order to get this done amicably and quickly.

This living on three hours of sleep is gonna kill me or make me kill.  O.o

EDIT: (later that day) - The hardest thing for me is to not throw things, scream and yell why????   He came to me with nothing... a duffle bag and a few boxes, no car, no job.  A friend of mine helped me get him here to DFW so he could get on his feet.  NOW.... He has a successful career and had a wife that was devoted to him 110% and then some... but I'm flawed and broken, so now...  I'm the one that will be without.  I will have a car, but I'll be living in an apartment that is worse than the one I had when he got here, I will have to depend on him and Social security for my entire existence.  I feel betrayed and thrown away.  I keep having people tell me things like it's not you, he's being stupid or shallow.  But the thruth is... I am broken, I am flawed, I am a burden financially and so where does this leave me ... what kind of future can I possibly look forward to at this point in my life.  

That say to have had love is better than to never have been loved.    THAT is BULLSHIT!  If I hadn't had it... then I wouldn't know what I am losing, if I hadn't gotten that first 5 years (pre tumor surgery) then this wouldn't be so bad.  But having had this amazing relationship, having moved up and onward in my life with a man I loved and adored and cherished, who became a rock in my world.  To go from apartment living to buying a home, married and full of love and laughter... and now...  THIS.    I can't even express it out loud tho because if I do then I could loose even more.  At this point I'm not sure if any of this is even worth the trouble anymore.  O.o

Twisted

I'm all kinds of twisted up inside.  Angry, scared, furious, sad, disappointed.   I want to scream and yell and beat on things but can't.  I have to hold my composure.  I have to "protect" what little future I have left to look forward too.  And the more I talk the more it is looking like that isn't going to be much more than the courts mandate.  :(  

It seems that he is already looking at his life in a better light, where mine seems like a black hole that HE is throwing me into.  The more the days pass by the more comfortable he becomes in his decision, no regrets and doesn't seem to be all that damn sad about it either.

Discussing future places to live, he looks for apartments with garages ... which are way more expensive that we he was looking at for me.  I'm on this cheap ass, I'm screwed budget.  With more bills than he'll have when it is all said and done.

I was wondering yesterday what is it that he is actually having to give up that could bother him... and well... honestly, my "services" as a housekeeper and maid and Jill of all trades.  Monetarily he's not loosing much of anything, And those small things he may loose, he can easily replace.  I've been trying to condense, throw away and give away my craft room stuff.  It's taken me years to build this up, little by little, using gift cards and a monthly "art card" allowance and lots of recycling.  Now all that is being is up in the air as to what I get to keep.

We still haven't gone thru movies and pc games, I still have to make the "final" list.  But hey I got at least 10 more weeks minimum to work on that.. probably more like three months.  :(   I just do not know how to get thru this, my chest hurts, my eyes sore, my nose chapped.  What is so wrong with me that he can't get past?  This is so very very VERY unfair.  (not that life is fair... and yeah... heard all the cliche's and if I hear another someone might loose their head!!!)

Trudging Forward

I'm still trudging forward, not that I have a lot of choice in the matter (or shall I say positive better choices).  I'm still trying to find a way to "deal' in the circumstances.  Still trying to find a safe spot to stand so that I don't sink any further.  My days are like trying to walk thru rivers of thick sticky mud.  

I get to a certain point and realize how much more I have to go, how much further I have to go.  I packed up boxes of books, and frogs and memories and gone thru camping gear, some simple shit like games and the obvious kitchen stuff.  My current project is weeding thru and boxing up my craft room.  To see how much I can comfortably toss away and how much I can maybe hold onto if I just condense it enough.  I'm not able to get the shelving I want to work out how much space I truly will have so I'm  sure I'll box stuff up, get there and realize I still have to toss things.  I hate moving and I really thought that last time was THE last time, I mean, we bought a house, had plans for the future, worked on the yard, took care of some of the problems, built a new shed, renovated the bathrooms after a few "issues".  But had so many more things in my mind to work towards.  Now all that is gone.

My future still seems very bleak, me and my stuff crammed into an apartment I can't not afford to pay for myself, that I have to depend on the government and "spousal support" to pay for.  I'll spend the rest of my years worrying about when that will end.  How will I continue forward when inflation goes up but my income doesn't.  I've been a burden on this world for years now.  Unable to pull my own weight. NOW I'm going to continue to be a burden on someone who just wants to move on with his life without that burden.  Yet he only gets rid of having to bare the burden physically, financially is another battle.

Sometimes I wonder if some of this wasn't planned back years ago, slowly trying to see if it would help prepare me, or maybe it was hope on his part that some miraculous thing would happen and I would wake up one morning and be ALL GOOD AS NEW. :(  

Was thinking about personal ads (after responding to a post on FB) and realized that my personal ad would be quiet a scary one.  Traits I need in a person that I could/would be possibly (if ever) willing to get involved with (slightly... nothing huge or life committing.. been there done that!  burned to a crisp!)

1. Must be patient and able to deal with an emotional and physically needy person.
2. Must be able to tolerant of simple outbursts of frustrations and irritations (from physical deficits)
3. Must be willing to work with and around my disabilities caused by brain surgery and be understanding, caring, supportive and helpful in over coming them if possible.
4. Must be able to understand "dee dee dee" fluently! (or willing to learn!)
5. Must be willing to pull me thru the rough spots.
6. Must be intelligent and acknowledge that it doesn't just come from books!
7. Must be non-religious or agnostic.  (no preaching to this gal!)
8. Must not be sunk into the middle of the political battlefields of the USA - This gal doesn't do politics.
9. Must however can be a bit liberal minded, earth conscious but not overboard.
10. Must have interests in art, science-fiction, outdoors and campiing.
11. Must love dogs (and cats and other animals too!)
12. Must be tolerant of an over abundance of frog stuff, ie: stuffed frogs, figurines, etc.)
13. Must be accepting that I am disabled an unable to work, to contribute to the dating game, need to be old fashioned courted.  
14. Must understand that I spent a life time of being independent, self sufficient and capable of handling just about any problem given to me and know that I will still do what ever my mind and body allow.  (This is usually in the form of home repairs, fixing things that break, finding work arounds etc.)
15. Must be willing to accept my four adult children for who they are, flaws, past mistakes and all and not judge them or treat them unfairly unless fully warranted by direct action between you and said child.
16. Be okay with the fact that I have 5 grandkids ranging from 7 to 2 between two of my kids. 
17. Be willing to handle and acknowledge that I come with 45 years of baggage and some of that shit is heavy!!!   But understand that you can not FIX me.  I'm not a broken sink.
18. I may be flawed in the mental department due to deficits from brain surgery, I may be broken some in the physical abilities problem due to back, knee and joints but.... I am still not a project to be fixed.

This is when I realized that my life forward is going to be a lonely one.  There is no personal out there that is going to be willing to accept me for who I am 100%  mind, emotions, physical, etc. and be willing and able to spend any amount of extended time dealing with it all.  Which I guess is fine, considering it would be BEYOND stupid of me to get into another committed/involved/long term relationship, I think at this point... I'm moved WAY beyond that.  I did before the last one evidently.  I GIVE UP on that shit!

I have no dreams left that can be fulfilled, I have no future to look forward to that is even remotely close to what I "thought" I might have someday.  Instead, I'll be living from one supplemental check to another, hoping to keep my head above water and wishing that I could take the necessary actions without the harmful effects that it would cause on others to put an end to all the bullshit.  Time to put my affairs in order.  To make sure when things do come to a point where it's my time, that I have something in order and do not leave my children with nothing but bills and junk.  (not sure how I'm going to do that!)  And I don't mean that I plan on offing myself.... that would be a bit selfish of me even if in the long run it would ease the future for others.

SO... I've rambled and expressed and released.... Time to move forward in my day.  Bleh.

The Road Ahead

The road ahead appears to be one that resembles this picture a very long and bumpy road.  (hopefully without any road blocks or spike strips!)

My to be former husband (the term ex right now just seems so harsh) and I had a very productive talk last night that put me at ease some because he finally acknowledge his part in all of this and much more.  He indeed feels badly about it all.  He has a better outlook on my future however than I do.  I don't think he has really grasped that reality just yet.   Our friendship has always been a strong one, but this puts a lot of strain on it.  Because I am still "IN" love with him, it makes it hard.  I still want to randomly say "I love you" and still want to give him a kiss and touch him.  He gives me consoling hugs and now they are tighter than they have been in 7 years.  It's confusing.  The part this is tearing me up right now the most is that our 9 year anniversary is coming up about a month (June 25th) and I do NOT know how to handle that.  I plan on going out of town so that I am not in the house with him, one so I am not a blubbering idiot that makes him feel worse for being honest and doing the upstanding and honorable things is his.  And for him, because he has been VERY emotional about all of this as well.  I've seen him cry more over all of this than I did thru out the period of time after his mother suddenly passed away.  It's hard for both of us to see each other hurt, yesterday marked 12 years of us being together in a relationship.  (Our friendship is about 20 years worth!)

Last night I had cried some when he walked off to bed, but then recovered.  BUT when I was laying in bed I remembered I had to put something on my calendar on my phone and ran across the repeating anniversary entry.  I tried to delete it, but it won't let me.  And I think it may be tied to both our FB accounts.  He plans on keeping his status married and wearing his ring until the papers are filed.  I can't.  Not because I want to be seen as a single woman but because to me, the rings symbolize the bond between us, the becoming of one, mine was a spinner, one sits inside the other and the two pieces can not be removed.  I took it off in front of him and told him, I will keep it forever, but I cannot wear it because he has broken that bond.

Legalities and paperwork do not make the marriage that is a small "legal" detail.  We discussed a few other things concerning my needs as well so that having to stay in the same house will be more tolerable.  It is going to be a VERY LONG BUMPY ROAD.   I think I will see hurdles, spike strips and road blocks, I just have to find ways to get past them.   None of this relationship/divorce stuff is out on FaceBook (by his request... he doesn't' want the drama) so if for some reason someone is reading this and has a FB acct.  Please respect that decision, you can message me privately and I'll talk etc, just not on open posts!

NEW MOTTO! WARNING: 3485 WORDS O.O

If you really wanna skip all the deep explanations and stuff and get straight to the motto, scroll to the end!!! and please watch the videos they explain the motto!

Well considering the “now roommate yet still husband soon to be, at some point, ex” left Saturday morning on a trip to Midland/Odessa Texas and then to the Davis Mountains on his motorcycle it has left me alone to contemplate, deal, pack and overall in some cases turn into a blubbering idiot. HOWEVER, with that said. Monday/Tuesday was a bit of a milestone. Between my own thought process and input from others that I greatly respect and who know me and my history and Greg. I believe I have a MUCH better understanding of what some of the reasoning behind WHY my marriage has landed at the end of the road. And even maybe why he feels so obligated to go to the extremes he says he will to help me survive financially. (Which is partly the obvious – pity.) And whether I agree or think it is fair or like it is without merit, because, it is what it is, and it has become apparent that he has his own agenda and plans for the future, that of which started this week with his trip where he went camping and enjoying life alone doing things that I had hoped and wanted to do together.

If my assumption and conclusions are correct and accurate then it makes it easier to move forward with that knowledge because in the end it has NOTHING to do with anything I actually have had any real control over. I changed because I had my head cut open, I changed because I faced death, I changed because I didn't come out on the other side all fixed and better and good as new. Because I, without any doing on my own, was no longer the woman I was before, the woman he married and fell in love with.

Over the past seven years it’s been one battle after another, one reason, one excuse, after another as to WHY we were having problems. It basically started pretty much right after surgery, where he began to see that I wasn't going to be “good as new”. He seemingly started seeing me as less than what I was previously. That I became a different person due to my temperament and emotional changes. Mentioning that I over react and take things wrong, am too sensitive and get frustrated too easily. And put in other ways not necessary to list. He seems to think my reactions to things are inappropriate and personally I think he was and still is embarrassed of me. He tends to come at me as if I am a child, so I guess he sees me in that light, as if I somehow became what he considers immature after surgery. Many times mean his being angry and resentful because I would take things wrong or interpret things emotionally and then react.

Of course the fact that I did so was because I had feelings and was trying to be heard. Which unfortunately he doesn't seem to understand has NOTHING to do with maturity and everything to do with frustration, my own frustrations in what happened to me, what was promised and not received, the pain and complications etc. Even if I were taking things wrong or being over emotional, there were ways to work with me, help me, deal and find a way to help me get beyond, instead of judging me and putting up fences. Instead of being able to stand close to me and help me thru the rough spots, he distanced himself.

I think he was holding on to the hope, onto what that stupid doctor said, that I would be ‘good as new if not better in just weeks’ but that didn't happen and he never let go. He for some reason I think kept hoping that I would someday just miraculously recover and wake up and become the same person I was before, the person he initially fell in love with, the “woman” I was BEFORE the surgery. But that didn't happen, whether it is because of the shoddy job of the surgeon or even unforeseen and unexpected changes that the brain went through. Instead I came out flawed and broken.

The first year being the worst, because of my own anger about what happened and the lack of control on my emotions… then as the time passed I became resentful that he wasn't more supportive and helpful and understanding that he was pushing me away and didn't “want” me anymore, that he just kept growing further and further away. Six months after my surgery he lost his mother and that added another tier to the whole mess. He became very withdrawn and depressed, because not only had he lost his wife but then he lost his mother too. Sometimes words are said in the heat of the moment that stick and unfortunately sometimes those things are what we really feel inside and just wouldn't have said out loud normally and well… that was something he had said one time.

There were many, many conversations, the first of which had to do with the weight. I had gained around 40 pounds from the weight I was a month before surgery and tho I felt that it was unfair that it made any difference, the truth was that he didn't find me attractive anymore. And hasn't ever since. But I still tried desperately to fix that, but medications have a say in all that whole weight loss issue too so never seemed to be able to succeed. However, looking back now, it wouldn't have made any difference… not in the long run. The weight was just ONE of the many excuses/reasons that would be brought into the equation over the next years. All of which just continued to make things just get worse and worse, it’s a domino effect, which created resentment and hurt over and over.

At one point we did counseling, that was a farce all in all… things “appeared” better so I had hope… But in fact it was just to “smooth” things over I think, a bit of appeasement. Then there was another changed again, I finally after much, much pushing, got him to see a doctor about the depression and his health. Well treatment started, things changed, I thought for the better, again I had hope, and again… it was just like a half truth.

So I spent all this time, months of trying to be someone he could love, trying to fix all the things he said were the problem or that bothered him, at any cost I was willing to do what needed to be done to save the marriage to hopefully make it where he would love me again, trying desperately to control the frustration, and when it reared its head trying to quickly overcome it or mask it. At one point it he said I was too negative all the time, never did he seemingly consider the fact that his lack of relations with me had anything to do with it. So I then started double thinking everything I said or did and stuffing anything that might be slightly seen as negative. This actually became physically painful for me because of the stress of holding in my feelings and thoughts.

No matter what I have done, no matter how hard I tried, it was never going to be enough, I just didn't realize that… I just kept holding onto hope. (I heard the signs, saw the signs refused to acknowledge them.) During those times where I “thought” we were doing better, he says there was never any progress. He seems, I guess, that somehow in the last 7 years I've stayed the same person, like I've not changed and worked hard to overcome the hurdles.

Oh and then there is the whole memory problems, and the fact that I can’t managed to get “well” enough to become able to work again, meaning I am never going to be the self-sufficient, confident, independent woman I was before. My inability to retain new information and my constantly loosing pieces of things here and there, something that has and probably never will go away. Which again is something that is frustrating for me, but I’m supposed to hold that in because he gets irritated with my frustration and my “acting out” with it.

All of this disappointment is evidently something that my husband cannot get past. I have my own resentment for how this all turned out myself, but I never stopped being in love with my husband, and he changed too! But of course the changes that I have seen are because he doesn't like who I am. He is unable to love me the way he did before, and doesn't feel he ever will be able to love me the way he did or the way I need him to love me. Which I guess is the best answer I’m ever going to get from him.

But overall… it’s that I didn't go back to being the pre-surgery me. And no matter how hard I try it will not happen, even if I go back to a size 3, my personality changed, I faced death, had my head cut opened, lost the ability to retain information, compose words and sentences without stumbling, experience pain regularly, (most of which I hide unless it really catches me off guard or gets just that bad/intense) developed a multitude of health issues which may or may not be contributed to seizures that came about because of the changes in the brain due to surgery.

My emotions being on my sleeves and my experiencing frustration more frequently, easily and re-actively has much to do with ALL of this and more. The continuous battle to get his affection and love back only aggravated this entire ordeal over the past 7 years. Over and over trying to fix what was wrong with me and it never being enough or never working or not being what he wants. To tell me these are you flaws and yet then tell me… but I don’t want you to be someone else. Each time we would have an intense conversation (or argument or fight or discussion or any/all of the above) there would be more reasons, more things for me to try and work on and yet also more hope… false hope in the end.

The last battle let to where we are now. I pushed again, I wanted us FIXED, I wanted him to be in love with me. I didn't want to hear the words “I do love you and care for you deeply” I wanted to hear that he had desire for me and was in love with me and wanted me. But that is not what I heard. I heard a lot of “I don’t know what to say” “I don’t know how to put it” “I've said all I know to say”… so I ask, so what do we do? He suggested we try counseling again… again, I fell for the hope. (Gullible I guess) SO I went to the first three sessions alone, [March 13th, 17th, 24th] figured to give the woman a good feel for me and all my flaws and the 45 years of crap (all stuffed into three hours!) Then we went to a session as a couple… [April 4th] at that point, there was me talking, him sitting and not much being said except for me explaining how much I wanted it to work and how hurt I was that nothing I tried worked. He said little to nothing. At the end of the session, he insisted on setting up a session for him to come in [April 14th] on his own and again I felt… hopeful. The next session was both of us again… and that is when the D-bomb was dropped [April 24th]. And basically it was as I said before, he doesn't feel that he will ever be able to love me the way he did before or be able to love me the way I need him to.

Now as I've written in the previous entries, I didn't take this well, and I kept trying to figure out what was so wrong with me, why can’t he love me, why am I not good enough, what can I do to hold on and make it better!

He has been as gentle and kind and giving as possible. He has/is going above and beyond anything any man I've ever known to make sure I’m not left out in the cold. Which is pretty much what he has been doing over the past 7 years. I’m not saying he wasn't trying to put in effort on his own to try and see me differently but for some reason, his issue is that he can’t. Pure and simple, he can’t see me as the same person. Yes it hurts, it hurts like hell, at moments I still want to scream no… this can be fixed. But if in 7 years nothing has changed for him in how he feels for me… I’d truly be holding on to yet more false hope.

Taking a step back from all of this I realized something. It is NOT MY FAULT. I am NOT TO BLAME. I have done nothing be give, give and give of myself. Trying anything and everything. This is HIS doing or inability to do. There is some anger and resentment, how could there not be. But we have been together for 12 years and friends for damn near 20. I acknowledge he gave it effort to the best of HIS ability. He is now doing what he feels is fair and that is to end the pain that it has put me thru and the unhappiness that we have both had over the past 7 years. I can see that he does love me a lot, in a way that you care and love deeply for your closest friend or family member. He doesn't want to hurt me, but knows that the only way to stop is to do so. (That is some seriously really screwed up truth there!)

Once coming to this realization, and having a multitude of conversations with people I see that it is what has to happen. No matter how painful or how difficult, it has to happen. For both of us to not be stuck in yet more years of unhappiness, pain and heartache. There are times I really wish we could have come to this sooner, but I do believe even he was still holding out some sort of hope, tho maybe a different kind, that maybe it would change.

So we are here, today, at the end of a marriage, being roommates and trying desperately to hold onto the friendship thru the pain and resentment. I believe the friendship will make it, it will be damaged a bit, but will recover, as best as it can. I’m not sure I understand how that all works just yet.

The steps from here are complicated however. We have to wait to see if the Government will finally approve my SSD (disability) so that I have SOME of my own income… what little it will most likely be IF I do get approved. If I don’t get approved things get extremely more complicated. Once that ground is covered, which we should have some answers within the first two weeks of June at the latest, then we start the rest of the financial aspects of the dissolution of the marriage. Assets, support, legalities, etc. If I do get SSD, we should know at least how much a month and when it will start and when to expect the back pay, which will be used to reduce as much debt as possible so that this will be an easier process. He has promised to do all he can to make sure I am not left needing for my basics. He wants to make sure the car is paid for so I don’t have monthly payments, and wants the credit debts reduced as much as possible so that I don’t have those either.

So no matter how it hurts, how I feel about it, how others see it, etc. He is doing his best to be honorable and upstanding in the ending of this all. We live in the same house, I am now set up in another bedroom, and he purchased a nice daybed for me. We are working towards figuring out who gets what and doing it all as amicable as possible. So far no fights, tho there may be some dispute on the custody of the four legged fur balls. I am not in a position to be able to afford vet care etc. not to mention pet deposits among some other issues. But… overall it's just logistics now and being able to co-exist in the same house without it tearing either of us down.

There will have to be some limits put into place tho because recently something he did cut me deep… and either he is just that oblivious and wasn't thinking or he was trying to make a point/joke or who knows what. But it HURT! Being in Midland and planning this trip and going camping he was still considering other camping areas, so he sent me a link to the Davis Mountains camp and then a second link to another location, when I clicked on the link the first thing that pops up on the site is a couple holding hands walking along a beach. OUCH… now it wasn't so much just the couple holding hands, that I could have possibly gotten past, but it was on the beach and that is the one thing he KNOWS is something WE were supposed to do. I've never been to the gulf or an ocean or a beach and that was a plan we had talked about many, many times over the past 12 years. So I told him it hurt, he didn't understand why, he was just looking at the ocean…. Really??? Again… oblivious? I was angry and very hurt! And I had to explain it to him. Mind you this is via text and the response I got well seemed insensitive at best. It wasn't even an apology, it was “Ahhhhh… Yeah. :-\”

So needless to say there are some areas that are going to have to be discussed and we are both continuing to go to the counseling and will have an occasion couple’s session so that we can maybe find a medium ground for this sort of thing. I've run into a couple of other areas/things that we will have to address and so the road ahead is a rocky one. With help and support of my friends and family and maybe a drink or two here and there, I will get thru this to the other side.

So... even tho I see myself as broken and flawed... at least I have the understanding and acceptance that this is my new life (tho I do falter on the comfort of that) but I know it is what it is. One of the hard parts is that for him things really haven’t changed since this whole D-bomb was dropped, a weight was lifted for him if anything, so his communication with me and interaction with me is almost the same, he has seen me as more of a friend than a wife for the past 7 years. For me… it’s another whole ball game. I'm not angry ... (well maybe a bit) but mainly just disappointed, and feeling a bit betrayed. My whole future as I knew of it was shattered in a few brief words on April 24th somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 pm and all the plans and dreams all gone. Now I have to pick up what pieces I have left at the age of 45 years old, broken, flawed and well many other things to many to mention.

SO, WITH ALL THAT SAID… I do not blame myself, I know I did all that I could do, and I know I have no control over what the after effects of that surgery caused… so for who I am today (which is still a loving and very giving person… it’s HIS LOSS.

And I am seemingly not alone in that feeling. (Not to sound arrogant but he had a good thing, devoted, loving, faithful and willing to give and give!) Many I know seem to agree.

SO with that I have found a few new "theme songs" for myself to get me thru my days and build myself up etc. Together they have created my MOTTO: "I'm gonna find that brand new me and it’s gonna be a new dawn, a new day and a new life and I'm gonna feel good and he's gonna miss me when I'm gone! And I will be brave!"

 ***I just couldn't resist using all the song title/words" ****

 Here are my new theme songs. (links to versions or singers that I like not necessarily the original artists) 

Brand New Me by Alicia Keys covered by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ytR5RDnJ7eY 

Feeling good originally by Nina Simone's but more recently redone by Michael Buble but covered here by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ffyZNW7Ra7M

Cups from Pitch Perfect by Anna Kendrick : http://youtu.be/cmSbXsFE3l8

Brave by Sara Bareilles: http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4

Two Weeks since the D-bomb

It's been two weeks now since the big D-bomb hit.  12 years... ugh.  The days have been rough, to say the least.  Making arrangements to stay in the same house for at least a four month or so time period while we get the financials and papers etc in order.  Amicable is good but hurts like hell.  My biggest hurdle is to try and trust that he will follow thru with his words.  I've known him a long time and I've never known him to not be a good person or go back on his word.  But my own history of crap in the past says there is always that chance so fighting the fear is hard.  He is being outstanding tho, even when I'm not so nice.  (He understands that I have a right to be hurt!)  Tuesday was I think the real breaking point... two breakdowns in Walmart, one in another store and then hours and hours of crying and bawling and even curled up in a puddle of my own tears on my kitchen floor.  I'm sure there will be other days similar to this but I'm working thru this and doing my best to stay strong and calm.  I'm scared shitless tho!

Still lost and confused

Graphic created by PSKeller © 2014

I spent about three hours bawling/crying my eyes out and snotting all over myself and am going to now need to invest in stock with a tissue company... and I was attempting to write (with pen and paper  O.O - oh my)  what was going thru my mind.  I was hoping it would bring clarity but it just brought on more questions, questions my to be ex-husband current roommate and life time friend will have to be able to answer in the near future if I to have any chance at physically, mentally and emotionally surviving this whole ordeal.   So... still lost and confused!

Super Sadness

(artwork by SuperAelita)

You know that saying when it rains it pours, well I've been stuck in a hail storm for well over a week now and damnit I'm beaten and bruised!   Emotionally .... not physically, tho I do have new bruises thanks to packing and moving and stacking etc.    This morning I woke up to a cat puking blood, that was scary and well EXPENSIVE $1000 on a credit card with 19.9% apr.  woot.... another debt to be divided.  Ugh.  Then went to my counseling session and paid $50 for half a box of tissues. Came home dealt running into last years anniversary card, started bawling on the phone with my mom, just in time for my friends to come pick up some stuff of theirs that I've been holding for about two years.  Then off to pick up cat.  In between trying to relay messages to the "soon to be ex... current roommate"  and a conversation with his sister who is as baffled as I am about it all.  Now I have a very hungry upset cat who will NOT under any circumstances take his medicine (and four sets of paws with claws and bad knees is not much help there!)  I'm exhausted after having another two hour long conversation about feelings and the future when it comes to finances with the "roomy".    SO.... tomorrow is another day... and I'm sure it will be much more of the same except I really hope my kitty feels better!!!  (Even if it is the cat that he is probably going to have to take custody of, I can't afford his care!)  OH and for some reason the soon to be ex husband doesn't seem to comprehend WHY I would not want to continue to live in the same house (with him) until the house sells.... really????  WTF, you don't want me as your wife, but you like the conveniences of me being in the house so lets be roommates until we absolutely can't be any longer.  I'm effin confused.  He doesn't understand why I'm eager to pack my things and be ready to move out as soon as the finances of this situation are worked out.  Geee... would YOU want to ... friend or no friend... pain is PAIN!

Tears pouring non stop

Picture by VodooClown on Deviant Art - http://vodooclown.deviantart.com/art/Rain-30074195

I'm so lost... I can't look in any direction, can't breath a breath, think a thought without it hurting.  I want to speed up time so that I'm thru this "tween" time and out of the house and in an apartment.  I know the stuff around me will still be the "ours" stuff.  But damnit.... I can't handle this and I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears.  

I spent my life standing on my own two feet, knowing that I could fight and get what I needed for me and my children.  I didn't have to depend on others, tho I did have to drop pride on occasion and ask, but gave back in return.  Now I am facing a life of some indefinite time period of being supported by my "husband" to be ex husband and the government IF my disability finally gets approved.  Last chance on that one.  Today I realized that my husband feels like we are going to be living on some sort of even level.  I don't know where he is getting his numbers but they sure as heck are the same ones I'm getting.  And the laws only cover so much anything past that is charity.  (which I am sure may happen at first but won't last long!)

I'm so hurt ... so destroyed ... so lost ... don't know how to breath ... all I can do is cry.

Raining Tears

The tears are still pouring down my face constantly, every turn is another piece of the last 12 years.  Last night it was the drawer full of wedding memories and keepsakes.  He wants to see how we split them up.  I don't know how I feel about this.

How can someone say that they love and care for you deeply and then hurt you this badly.

I don't know how to make the tears stop!

Another day of heart break...

When your world ends!

When pain internal, becomes pain external,

 hope becomes a pipe dream.

Broken... Hurt and crying... so lost!

(Artist - Jaime Zatloukal Best)

SO much has happened in the last 29 hours.  I don't even know where to begin.  I guess at the end... strangely it is appropriate.
My marriage and relationship of 13 years has ended.  The battle is over, he is no longer willing to try and love the person I've become since surgery.   He was the one who suggested counseling this time, but yesterday I found out why.  The first three sessions were me alone, then one with us, then he insisted on one alone, then we went together yesterday.  Well yesterday was to discuss the ending of our relationship, to help "ease" me down I guess.  To say that I am hurt just doesn't even begin to touch it.

He is unable to love me the way he did before, he has tried to love the person I am, he cares for me deeply and does love me but not in the way a man loves his wife.     I have cried and barely slept.  The hardest part of this is having to live in the same house with him for at least another three to four months.  To be "roommates"     

Night before last, I got three kisses and an "I love you" before he went to lay down.  Tonight  I got a "Time for me to crash, night night" and down the hall he went.  I bawled... and bawled and sobbed and sobbed.  I have no idea how to handle ANY of this.
In our discussion last night after counseling I mentioned that I didn't know how I was supposed to go in and lay down next to him knowing that it's all over.  That maybe I should get a daybed and put it in the front bedroom.  SO when he got home from work, he started looking at Daybeds for me.   And a dresser.    I can't ...  I don't know how... I am not sure if I can make it thru this.

The time frame is because we are STILL waiting to hear what the judges decision on the disability is and IF I get approved (finally) then we go from there and figure out how to complete the whole divorce process.  If I get denied, well same thing, then we get to figure out how the heck it's gonna work.
Talk about getting the short end of the stick.  I'm loosing everything, my marriage, my home, my hopes, dreams and plans for the future, security... and that is just the tip of the iceberg.  I'm so very very very lost!!!   So, one of two things will probably happen over the next four months.  I will either become very active here or I'll almost disappear.  I'm not sure how I am going to have internet after that.  I know I will, just gotta figure out which sacrifice has to be made.  (not like there is a lot available to choose from!) 

Anyways, just a heads up.

Keep shining on... someone has to.

"Ko muhuhok na mik aqa nop!"  Yiqanuc for: "When it falls on your head, then you are knowing it is a rock!"

NEW SALE: Give a gift of beauty that lasts! :D

cybiesoriginals.storenvy.com

Support handmade and local artisans as well as helping to support people with disabilities. 

My Easter Ad Pic! :D

I like how it turned out!  :D

Quick Doodle drop :D

Only 7 this time... :D

Anxiety SUCKS!

So much anxiety.  Between the medical issues I have, the appointments I have to remember, the calls and information I am supposed to remember, the dates and what happened, when and where things are supposed to be and all of this relies on my memory which ... is majorly intermittent and what I remember today may disappear tomorrow forever.  (I have spread sheets with information and multiple files and notes everywhere because of it... tho remembering where I put some of that is always fun.  I spend lots of time searching my for files on my computer and just as much digging in the paper files as well.  I get severe anxiety because I'm afraid I'll forget things that are really important so I set alarms and sometimes I turn them off without realizing or remember I did and that scares me and causes more anxiety.  The meds can only help so much.  I know there are those out there (who are most likely not reading any of this because honestly I don't think anyone does... which makes for a great place to vent I guess... it is a blog!).   SO... for today I am just trying to hold onto the fact that I have an appt with my orthopedic doctor to follow up on my right knee MRI and talk about how it needs replaced but need to wait about 5 to 6 more years.  At least he has set me up with a OA Unloader brace.  No way am I getting another shot tho!!!!  I get to tell him what happened with that, talk about pain, and a bruise that finally disappeared visually around Sunday but I can still feel it today.  ERG.   Anyways... gonna treat my anxiety and set my alarm and then the reminder alarm for 10 minutes after.  Between those and writing it down several times in different places and ways I should be okay and remember it.  :D

A set for a friend

I made this wonderful little trio for a really sweet friend of mine, she also is a artisan who sells her creations of jewelry and knitted items.   Beautiful Howlite, Labradorite and hematite which are stones with the metaphysical properties of calming, healing, and grounding.

Gifted Pieces

I finally got around to editing these pics.  The lighting was horrible at my moms and I still hadn't figured out the settings on my camera so the original photos were not good at all.  I tried my best to edit them so that they look nice enough to share.   The first one was for my mom and the second one was for my brother's wife.

Art update

Oh look, an update on what I've been doing art wise.... doodles, lots and lots and lots of doodles.  I probably scanned close to a 100 if not more.  I currently have 5 journals and one paper pad that I am working in and I hadn't scanned anything in over six months.  So I've decided not to post everything I do anymore, I'll spare the masses (hahaha... like I have anyone watching) of the failed pieces.  But here are a few if you are interested.  :)

n