And the answer is... 42.
Unfortunately... it doesn't really do me any good to know the answer when it doesn't change anything in my world.
So, it's been a while (since 11-20-2012) and well in that time period a lot has happened. And not a whole lot of it good. I'd give a brief synopsis but it would do much good either.
SO, with that said, I want to put out to anyone who may still be watching from before when I posted my jewelry or art on here. I'm not going to do that as much now. I am going to use this as a journal/blog which is what I need most in my life right now, a place to express what I am going thru and rant or vent if I need too.
I've spent a life time of trying to please the people around me or to be careful not to offend people and worry about how people feel about one thing or another. I'm 44 years old, and I'm tired of catering to others. If you don't like what you are reading, close the page. If you don't like my beliefs, close the page. If you respond with a hateful comment about what I've posted it will be deleted and I will deal with you as I please!
I'm not a religious person, I have nothing against those who are, just don't shove it down my throat. I am a spiritual person in the sense that I focus on what is around me in nature and enjoy and cherish nature. If I were to say I believe in some sort of deity it would be "Mother Nature" so I guess you could call me a bit of a tree hugger! :D
Currently I'm fighting for disability with our stupid government! Brain surgery and life after doesn't apply evidently. I've watched others who have gotten theirs in 3 months and they aren't fighting near what I am physically. But because they were able to work for most of their life and make decent money I guess they deserve it more than someone like me who fought with symptoms and problems all my life that kept me from being able to hold a job consistently. (Until much later in my life when I guess the damn tumor seemed to go dormant or whatever. ERG)
I attempted to apply in 1997 and didn't get very far with that because basically they figured I was just being lazy I guess.
In 2006 I started to have some problems that were not familiar to me, weirdly lightheaded, more upper body twitches, and low blood pressure. Kept going to the doctor and he couldn't really figure out anything wrong (being a family practitioner I came in one time and my blood pressure was so low that he asked how I felt and when I said fine just a little lightheaded, he said that I shouldn't be able to stand. He suggested a neurologist and tests because he felt there was a possibility that I may have a tumor. SO... went and ended up having two tests. The MRI of the head with and without contrast was first, then immediately after I was wired up for a 72 hour EEG. (I looked like Medusa) On May 9th, I got the call from the neurologist, simply that I had a tumor that was approximately 2.8 cm and that I need to have it removed asap and that she would be referring me to a surgeon. Maybe a 2-3 minute call, and simply stated. I was in shock! She called back about 5 minutes later and said "Do you have someone with you that can help you get home if needed?" Good thing I was already home!!! And I was lucky enough to have friends already with me, we were going out that day to do a mall visit I think it was. I was still wired up another day and a half. (In fact I went to "Taste of Addison" all wired up, I was NOT going to miss seeing Daughtry!) This was the beginning of my Tumor journey. I spent the next 20 days making jokes and getting things in order for the worst. Didn't want to have my family be stuck with trying to figure out one thing or another if I could get it straight first. I was facing the possibility that something could go wrong, staring death in the face and saying, "I'm not afraid" and well... I wasn't really. I didn't have any real fear of dying, just knew it was a possibility and faced it head on!
My surgery was May 30th, 2007 and I've fought my health ever since. I've been worse after than I ever was before. I have said it probably close to a thousand times, "I want my tumor back!!!!"
SO... in 2009 I filed for disability, got denied, tried to find an attorney to help me file an appeal, was told if I could read and talk on the phone I wasn't disabled, that crushed me and I like an idiot tossed in the towel. THEN, in 2012 said, screw that shit, I'm filing a second time. And of course got denied even tho I sent in a almost a full pound of paperwork, over an inch think. Plus sent in more when I filed the appeal! The appeal was denied, and my attorney filed a request for a hearing. That request was approved but it will take up to a year before they will schedule that hearing. WTF is wrong with our government???? I watch people who have less shit wrong than I do, who COULD work if they would get the fuck up off their lazy asses and just do it. Take one fucking pill and be a responsible adult. I see people get it with zero problems that have been able to go to the doctor, who have income, who do not have the medical costs, or that have worked under the table. I've known people who deserved it get it too, and unlike me, did not have to wait years and fight tooth and nail. I've spent many a day screaming to the walls, "Why the fuck do I have to wait so fucking long????" I NEED this. We have been in debt every since we started trying to find out what was wrong with me back in 2006. When the surgery happened, that cost a shit ton of money! We lost my husbands mother six months after that, the problems all this caused emotionally for my husband didn't help much when it came to our relationship. In 2008 the estate was settled and damn near every penny went to paying off medical bills, we still had medical debt after that and constant medical tests and appointments and medications since. We took a loan from my husbands 401K to pay off some, think we are still paying on that, then accrued more medical debt and sold my husbands car to pay off some, then used tax returns, then recently traded in my truck for a small efficient car so we could knock monthly payments down a couple of hundred and our fuel costs in half (people see new car and think "oh they have money" ... don't I wish.) All of this and we are still deep in debt. Oh and another tax return towards it too. And what happened, medical costs have gone up, the premiums went up and the co-pays went up. I'm so fed up with all this shit that some times its hard to even bother crawling out of bed. It's that whole, enough is enough... what the fuck? And the government thinks I don't need disability. Even tho I have seizures every single day multiple times during the day and experience residual effects almost every moment of every day. Really makes me wonder if they are just trying to weed the "weak" out... just hoping we'll die off before they have to pay up. OH... and because I've not worked a reasonably high paying job for long enough to have accrued enough funds in my SS account, my disability checks most likely won't even top $600 a month. But I know three other people who are getting over $1000. :( Because they were lucky enough to have been either able to get an education so they were able to work good paying jobs. And/or didn't have physical or health problems until later in their careers. BUT I was not so lucky, no education and had problems pretty much all my life.
So where does that leave me... Angry... very angry and frustrated and depressed and fed up. But what do others think I should do. Oh just accept it, there is nothing you can do to change it that you haven't already done. That shit pissed me the fuck off. I'm too negative all the time. I'm not negative all the time, but when I need to talk about it... there is no one to talk to that is willing to listen and understand. I don't want a person who acts like a wall either. Just sitting there saying nothing just pisses me off more, because my four walls can do that. SO... I'm at a loss. I have no one to talk to, no one to spend time with that can help shift my focus away if needed. I've spent my life making jokes and laughing to handle things, but I've laughed myself out this time.
Don't get me wrong, I do not rant and rave every day all day, just that its hard not to talk about it when I do have contact with the outside world in person. LOL Anyways, I'm sure I'll rant or rave or bitch and complain some more in the next post. Gotta finish the rant about neurologists too. LOL
