Still moving forward

SO, decided to change things up a bit in the journal entry today.
I'm fighting motivation, how how how do I get this energy back?

I want to get stuff done, I want to create jewelry, I want to work more on art, but there is this weird force holding me back and I can't figure out how to fight it. Any ideas?

I have a move to ABQ, NM coming up. I have two trips at the beginning of August to make and well not sure if I will get the other two in. Money is an issue there as is my driving long distances alone.

Recently my emotions have been tested to the full extent and this past week changed from one type to another. Betrayal and flat out ANGER, finding out things that were hidden from me in the past and realizing in black and white just the reality of it. I don't like the word hate, but I truly felt HATE towards this person this past weekend. My emotions started downhill on Wednesday then by Saturday went full force into the hate. I've been home bound for three days and today I have no choice but to leave and go to the store. 

Being alone ALL the time is my worst enemy. I'm not meant to be alone, I'm a social person, but no one visits me and everyone else has a life or is a couple or whatever. I'm emotionally tired. 

SO I'm going to go backwards in a way to remind myself  of where I need to be.  With that I'm linking my "theme songs" for myself (again) to get me thru my days and build myself up etc. Together they created my MOTTO(which I had forgotten): "I'm gonna find that brand new me. It’s gonna be a new dawn, a new day and a new life. I'm gonna feel good, and he's gonna miss me when I'm gone! And I will be brave!" (and yeah I like Carly Rose Soneclar's versions better!)

Brand New Me by Alicia Keys covered by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ytR5RDnJ7eY 

Feeling good originally by Nina Simone's but more recently redone by Michael Buble but covered here by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ffyZNW7Ra7M

Cups from Pitch Perfect by Anna Kendrick : http://youtu.be/cmSbXsFE3l8

Brave by Sara Bareilles: http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4

Next move forward...

My last entry was just a little over a month ago. 

My would be 10 yr anniversary came and went and I didn’t shed a tear, the night before (a Wednesday) I had burgers with him and we took care of a few more loose ends that helped emotionally bring some closure and even that only brought a couple of tears.  I thought with that I had made great strides and I was going to be all good after that, boy was I wrong.  On the following Saturday night/Sunday morning I spent about 5 hours crying non-stop and at times I mean full out bawling. The following days were extremely hard for me because I had overdosed on emotional adrenaline along with other things that I had done the days before and after. 

This week has been another one of those where I have been doing good to get out of bed, I wake up with headaches and physically hurt.  Then I get up thinking I’m going to make this day work, I’m going to accomplish something.  Next thing I know the day is coming to an end and I’ve done nothing of any value.  Motivation is dead in the water. 

When I was at “our” house the day before the anniversary I visited the ancient one (an old tree that is beyond the fence of the back yard). He was my connection to nature and kind of my muse – or so I thought.  I was hoping that it would help me move forward artistically and was convinced it would.  Guess I was wrong.  Tho I will still very much miss my ancient one.  All the rain in May made him fall quite a bit.  The before and after pics below show what he was like before.

I have to find my motivation, I have to get my life back.  I have a vending event September 5^th, by then I really REALLY need to have a lots of new stuff.  Right now I have very little made and that is not a good thing.  I’m splitting the booth with a friend Bethany, hopefully we can both make over our cost for the booth space!!!  (I got lucky and got a spot for us, I think someone helped in that area, and I am very grateful for that.) 

I have just a little over 4 months to get things ready to move as well as make jewelry and make a trip to San Antonio and possibly Houston if logistics can be figured out.  I really need to get past this block.  I can’t wait until the last minute to do things because then my body and brain will fight each other and too much of that and I’ll be even more useless.

Anyways, so I guess I’m still grieving.  It’s not so much that I miss him or want him back that would be insane.  What I think I am grieving the most is the loss of that planned future and the loss of what was once and the hope of having that again.  In all of my life, out of all my relationships, he was the one I truly felt was my one love to last forever.  By December I will be starting my life over in another state, away from him, the house, the friends, etc.  I’m scared but at the same time somewhat anxious, and feels like it just isn’t happening fast enough, (which is a good thing I guess since I can’t get my act together. )  Now I have to start a new future. 

Between starting this journal entry and ending it I found out that there are some health issues/deficiencies that may be contributing to my overall energy/motivation issues.  Learn something new every day.  Low vitamin D levels because I forgot to up the dose and the fact that I never started the Vitamin B5.  (Both suggested by my PCP recently.)

Anyways, I’m going to make some adjustments to my health and try to focus on creating my new life!  Positive energies, prayers, etc. welcome.  :D 

(Reminder though I edit and re-edit I still miss typos and spelling the words wrong or confusing words so sorry about if I missed some!)