Rough times

SO, it's Thursday, I have a visitor coming this weekend so I need to do some cleaning, mainly dusting because I live in the desert.  Gotta vacuum too and do a little pick up here and there.  It's not too bad but it's worse than normal because I have another person in the house that needs to pick up after herself and not leave things lying all over.  So as time passes it appears she just gets more comfortable and that means less likely to pick up and keep things neat.   I'm not a total neat freak by any means but I do like to have a home that is in order enough that I'm not embarrassed to have pop over guests and where if I do have guest coming I don't have to do as much.

Another issue popped up yesterday, one I can't feel I can really talk about here or to anyone because of the nature of it.  But I'm at a loss as to what to do with my feelings about the situation.  I'm not at all happy with something that my daughter decided to start doing.  I don't agree with her on how often she is doing it or how much.   I've been supportive in the past when it has been controlled and done via proper channels.   THIS was not.  I'm angry and a little scared for her.  She's an adult tho and it's not like I can ground her and it's not like I can kick her out right now.  Sometimes I just don't understand the thought process that goes on in her head.  Okay I NEVER understand it. 

She has D.I.D. and that in of itself is a difficult deal.  I don't want to have things added to that already tough situation.  I really have doubts as to the validity of some of the things she has told me too now. I want to trust her and her words.  But in the past she's pulled things and it's hard to not wonder if she is reverting back to that.    I would love to see her get more responsible for herself and her daughter and get things done that need to be done so that she can work towards having her own place at some point.

I know she plans on filing for disability but so far do not think she has started any of that.  The counseling center was supposedly going to help her with that but I'm thinking they aren't going to.  I still believe we need to focus on trying to find a therapist that specializes in DID so that we have her under proper care and not just any old therapist that just "goes with the flow" of the DID stuff.

I'm going to do some research and see what I can find in the area for docs or counselors who know DID and work with DID patients. 

My stress level has gone thru the roof in the last 24 hours and that is not helping me and my issues with my head and with wanting to snack/eat when I'm stressed out.  I need a strong appetite suppressant!  Think I'll ask my doctor for that next time I go.

Well this was a long one, guess I'll close it off for now and go make a list of what all needs to be done by Saturday.  weeeeeee   

*toodles*

Wee it's Tuesday

I do believe this morning was a continuation of one of "those" Mondays.  LOL  I ended up getting out of bed at 6:30 so that I could hit Walmart before the crowd and so that I could get home early enough for us to make a trip to the Income Division to see about getting my daughter on NM assistance.  We ended up not leaving until almost 11am, which put us there during lunch hours and so half the staff is gone.  I had one cranky kid on my hands and an even crankier grandbaby.  And we were there for quite a while so you can imagine how that went and in the end we couldn't get anything done because we need paperwork to show them for certain things.  Ugh.  Well we got it started at least.  Next time my daughter can go by herself to the office, turns out don't need me there for proof of residency evidently.  At least we all survived, the debatable part is with how much sanity left. 

It's Tuesday which means it is my bowling league night.  I hope I do well.  Hopefully I'm not as nervous this time.   I need to get to talking to my teammates more.   I just don't know what to talk about.  And they know other people so I'm kind of a loner in this.  I really want to become a "part of" it all and not feel like I'm standing on the outside.  We'll see how tonight goes.

For now I'm gonna go play some BDO I think and pass some time before I need to get ready to go.

It's Monday!

Today is the first day back at WHI Hobbs backpack program.   Going to go volunteer here in just a bit.  Gotta go to the store after I get back from that.  Bleh.  I really hope this weather will start to cool down because I'm really tired of the heat now.  I want to be able to be outside without drowning in my own sweat within 5 minutes or less.

I am currently working on crocheting a amigarumi turtle, ran into a bit of a issue with it but I think I can fix it.  I'm hoping it will turn out okay and if it does maybe I'll make a second with specific colors or a better yarn. 

I am feeling a bit lonely today, I've had three dreams in a row where I meet someone and have human contact and touch.  Just that slight touch is something when you have nothing.  It's been a very long time since I've had physical touch and I'm not even talking sexual.  That's not high on my priority list. But a hug, a touch, holding hands ...those things I miss greatly.

Well, at least I'm getting out of the house and getting some socialization, that is something.  lol

Starting my Friday off

So it is Friday and I think we are going to drop off my daughter's truck with my nephew who is a mechanic and see if we can get that fixed.   Hopefully without it costing an arm and a leg.   Then we need to get down to the EBT office and straighten out the medicaid and food stamp situation.  I've not got the money to feed the extra mouths.  We'll need to figure out how they want us to do that so that Shelby and Ana still have their medicaid but I have the food stamps for all three hopefully.  We'll find out.

My anxiety is up but for reasons that are silly to most people.  It's my house and the space that I spend my time in and how I need to get it organized to better fit my needs.  I need to get my desk built but can't yet.   I need a better solution for some of the items that I need here.   ERG.   I want my desk that I designed.   Dreams now.....

I'm trying to eat better, I do really good in the morning and early afternoon, but late afternoon and on I don't do so good.  It's like as the day wears on me I get weak.  :(   I need to find nummy snacks that are low fat and low calorie.

I need to learn to cook LOW FAT for my daughter (she has no gall bladder), she is losing weight and I seem to find it.  Ugh.  I'm a little obsessed about my weight right now because I am crawling up on my peak weight again and I do NOT every want to be there again.  I want to get back down to my comfy size and STAY there.  I'm tired of the roller coaster.  And as much as I love my mom, I do not want to look like her weight wise.    I swear I need a suppressant for the latter part of the day.

Well most go and get started on this day.   More later maybe.

Last night went well...

Last night was the first night of me being in an official bowling league.   I got to see an old friend from grade school, we used to bowl together when we were kids in  kids league for many years.   I met new several people, we had 3 stragglers and one absent member that formed our team (myself being one of the stragglers).  So our team name might end up being "Stragglers" LOL   Then I met the people on the other team we bowled with last night, fun people.   Next week I guess I'll meet more new people as the teams rotate.  I was so nervous meeting all the new people, guess I have a few weeks of that.  O.o   So many of these people already know each other with the exception of me and Brent (team mate) we are the newbs. Not sure if I'll have anything in common with the people I meet or not.  Just gotta hope to "fit in".

My daughter and I did some "fluid art" today and did two 8x10 canvases each.  Mine are the purple and hers are the blue.  (These are just partial images).

I do believe I used a bit too much silicone oil and so I have LOTS of cells in mine.  Still a lot of fun and a big mess.  :)    Can't wait to paint my wooden trays.  :)   I need to go to the dollar store and pick up a couple of condiment bottles for base colors. 

On a side note, I'm feeling a bit down today, part of it is just being single and wishing my life had turned out differently.  The other is the current situation and financial issues.   Don't know how to deal with all of it.  I feel guilty for spending money on bowling but at the same time I NEED to do the bowling and it covers the Docs orders of exercise, along with the psych's order for exercise and my therapist orders for social activity.  Just wish I didn't feel so awkward about it all.

Things to do

So today is the first day of the bowling league that I'm going to attempt to be on.   We'll see how that goes.  If they have an odd number of people then I may not make it on a team.  I'm nervous because I don't know anyone and also because I don't know how I'll bowl.  I don't want to be shitty but at the same time I do not want to bowl my best either because then I have to live up to that on a weekly basis.  LOL   

First impressions are important to me so I'm going to dye my roots today so there is not so much grey out there in your face.  I wish I didn't have all this extra weight on me too but can't fix that in a day.  I am hoping bowling will help with that too.  I need to find my aperture science mug so I can take something to drink with me since all they have is a soda machine that is usually half empty. 

I realize I have a lot of things on my inner to do list.  I need to start putting them on my calendar and work towards actually DOING them.  Some of it is just household stuff, one is making an appt for my dog to get her shots updated.  She already has an appt. this week for bath and nail trim.   I tried to trim her nails but didn't do a very good job..  My niece does it for a living so I'm giving her business.  I need to remember to get cash for that....erg.   Other things I want to do is work on photographing my jewelry and getting it up on my sites for sale.  Doing some reorganizing in my craft room.  I want to do some fluid art paintings.   I also want to work on making my desk but that might have to be put off for a while since I need to have the room in the garage and the money for the wood.  :(   I looked at prices on prebuilt desks and the ones that are close to what I want are so expensive. 

Well on that note I think I'm going to try and work on my calendar a bit.  :)

My weight loss/gain journey... SUCKS!

So, a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now, then I tried KETO and lost almost 10 pounds and was so happy that it was working until I got a kidney stone.  The doctor told me that it is common with people on KETO diets.  SO I went off the diet and promptly gained back the 10 pounds and then some, then I went on a calorie restriction diet, doc said 1400 calories.  I kept a journal of every single thing I ate or drank.  I merely maintained my weight at that point.  Then some shit hit the fan and I had a family emergency and in the process was not following a diet for almost 3 weeks and gained another 10 pounds.  :(   Now I'm fighting again to lose the weight but now I have almost 40 pounds to lose total.  I feel like I'm destined to be my mother, who is considerably overweight and followed similar patterns of weight gain in her life.  I'm currently at 182 and I want to be 140-145.  My depression has been bad due to a multitude of things and then the weight gain on top of that just makes me miserable.  On top of everything I seem to be hungry all the time right now.  :(

My diet is restricted due to feeding two other mouths that have their own restrictions. I have my daughter living with me who has a restricted diet and needs to have carbs to absorb fat because she doesn't have a gall bladder and foods with ANY fat go straight thru within 5 minutes of eating it almost.  So I can't go back on KETO even if it weren't the cause of the kidney stone.  I can do low fat but then there's the carbs.  I want to feel like I've eaten when I eat food, not like I just teased myself with a few bites.  I still wonder if my meds are adding to the weight gain and appetite.  I really did better when I had less meds ... BUT my depression changed and now I don't know what to do to combat the never ending circle.  The more weight I gain the more depressed I get and so it is a vicious cycle. 

Oh and exercise is almost impossible for me because of this stupid broken body of mine.  I have both knees messed up now, one is REALLY bad, the other is start to go now.  I can't put weight on a bent knee at all. And my back is messed up on top of it.  (In my mind I can do so much more than my actual body will let me, which is really depressing too!)   I WAS going to do a CORE membership and start working out and do water aerobics but now I can't afford to do that. 

I'll start bowling once a week and honestly can't afford that either but it is a way for me to get out of the house for sanity sake, get a little exercise and be outwardly social.  Which is what my doc and therapist have been wanting me to do.

Now on another note, life with my daughter and granddaughter in the house is challenging at times but could be worse.  I am having to train them both.   My daughter was recently diagnosed with D.I.D.  (formerly known and multiple personality disorder).  It's definitely an adjustment, I find it hard to understand sometimes.  I'm trying to be as supportive as possible and kind of go with the flow.   My daughter managed to make a video on Tic Toc that went a slight bit viral (for her) and now she is obsessed with making more videos to raise awareness for people who suffer from DID.  I think it is wonderful that she has created a support network and making friends etc but at the same time when she is doing all those things she is not caring for her daughter and I am.  I'm not supposed to be the primary care giver here.  In fact I'm Nana, I help on occasion and well occasionally is beginning to get a little too frequent and long.

Well I think I've ranted about myself enough for today.  Hopefully I'll have something more positive to share soon.

Gonna try and return to blogging for a while. :D It's only been 2 1/2 years.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo,   Lots of things have changed since I last posted anything.   I moved again, not really a move I wanted to make but one I had to make due to some messed up circumstances.  :(   I did however want out of ABQ, I just didn't want to land back in my home town.  Bleh.  BUT, on a positive note, I have a home and a yard and now a dog!!!  :D 

However recently, two weeks ago, my daughter and granddaughter moved in with me during a family emergency and now I'm trying to figure out life again.   It seems every time I get mildly adjusted to my surroundings and life and changes, something happens to turn things upside down.  But we'll figure this out.   My granddaughter will be 3 yrs old in two months.  Gotta love those 2's.  LOL   Overall she is a really good kid and is doing better now that she and her mom are in a safer, cleaner and more structured environment.  :)

Me, well looks like I may start on a bowling league on Tuesday evenings.   I'm hoping it's coed just so I have a chance to meet people of both sexes.  (I tend to just get along better with men in general because I'm such a tom boy.)  I really can't afford it but I'm giving up a few other things to make it happen because I need the exercise and socialization.   My therapist and psych will be happy to hear that I'm being social and getting exercise.  I'm just hoping I can keep it up and hopefully bowl really well too!  :)

On another note I have a lot of different projects I want to do and well some of them are now on hold due to finances or space.   I also had some travel plans but those are probably going to be put off as well.  :(  Sucks but such is life in my world.

OH and I'm STILL battling my ex for support.  He's now lost a couple of times and we are in the enforcement stage again.  Fingers crossed this time he just cooperates and we can avoid the court battle.  I'm not sure I can look at him in person another time.   It took all I had to keep to myself the last time.  I'm not lowing myself to his level tho.   His lies have grown and changed and now he is claiming to have Asperger syndrome and is on the spectrum AND ... that at the time of the divorce he was supposedly having suicidal thoughts. etc. 

His story changes like people change underwear.  I just wonder what he tells other people.   I guess it bothers me a lot because I have nightmares about losing all my friends because of his mouth and story telling and me not being there to defend myself.  I had a rough dream last night about it and woke up very upset and I do not like starting my day that way. 

Well that is it for now, I'm hoping to get some art and/or jewelry made soon.  Maybe even make a video.  :)

If you are reading this, thanks for sticking with me during my long absence.  :)