Monday Gloom

I've been a funk for a while, my health has given me some issues and I'm soooo tired of that being the case.  I want answers and I want fixed.  I know that I am asking for more than what is possible but who wouldn't want to be "normal" again.   Surgery was four years ago and I was told then that I'd be good as new four weeks after surgery, yeah I know I should be over that by now, but I'm not.  I'm angry and resentful towards that doctor and the surgery and the fact that I have fought tooth and nail all this time.  I need to work at least part time or have income that is equal to my working part time.  When I applied for disability they denied me (of course) but then when I tried to get help fighting that decision via a disability attorney they wouldn't touch me because of my age and basically told me that if I can read and talk on the phone then I was employable and therefore not disabled enough for them to take my case.  THAT is frustrating.  

I have used art as a tool to heal over the past 3 and a half years or so and I need to get back to that, but its hard when I feel guilty because I should be looking for a job or working a job etc.  SO now I'm not doing the art and I'm feeling the effects of that and beginning to sink back into myself again.   NOT a good thing.

My husband is getting better and my relationship is on the mend with him after all of this and now I'm letting him down again because my health is a problem and the expense of that is hard enough on us but without my working its like a double whammy.  :(    He made a comment the other day about if we don't get me to the doctor and get me fixed then our financial situation can't get better.  But it costs us money to get me to the doctor and then they order tests and crap and costs more money and in the mean time I'm not bringing in a single penny.  :(    Then there is the possibility that the issues continue to get worse and that means not working too.  I get to the point where I feel like its never gonna be better.  The only solution other than some miracle that I get cured miraculously over night is for us to come into some large sum of money and that isn't going to happen either.  I can't possible make enough money to supplement our income with my jewelry and art even if I spent all my time doing it because no one wants to buy my stuff.  :(   Really I'm just not feeling a bit worthy at all these days.

Okay... this is what blogs are for right... rambling when you need to ramble.  Sorry if it isn't upbeat and positive and artsy today!