WARNING:
I think I'm going to start using this as a therapy tool of sorts, so is you are NOT interested in hearing the good, bad and ugly, then please close out this window and move on. This is the only way I feel I have left to release the pent up frustration that I am experiencing in my life right now, I will share the good stuff too, when it is prevalent and worthy.
And please PLEASE PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE refrain from spitting out words and phrases such as:
Oh this too shall pass...
God will never give you more than you can handle...
It will get better, hang in there...
Etc.
Those and many more are phrases people use when they have no other idea what else to say, because it gives them some form of satisfaction like they know more than others.
Reality is where I'm at right now, not some dark closet forming sick opinions of my current situations, not up on some pedestal saying I'm the only one with problems, I'm right here in the right now. I have these feelings because they are real to me. I have them because I am human and no more than that. I'm no sentient being who has some awe inspiring talent to just turn off how I feel and move forward. If I could achieve numbness and be content as things are from one minute to the next, well then I guess I wouldn't have the need for this right?
Brief synopsis, I've had my fair share and then some of rough life experiences, I've seen death up close, been married and divorced, beaten and betrayed, I've loved and lost and loved again, I've trusted more than I should have ever trusted. I've tossed my heart out one too many times to have it danced upon by those who just don't seem to give a damn. I've had many a moment where I felt it was time to just throw in the towel, say good bye to this cruel unforgiving world, even tried and failed at that too! I spent a life of being active and independent and confident, able bodied and able minded. I've had times of great spiritual reflection and times in deep despair. These are all feelings that are human, some get to experience a few of them, some experience them all. I could give you a full run down of all the shit I've seen, been thru, experienced etc but honestly most of you would just think I was either feeling sorry for myself or that I was crafting stories to get attention. (Oh I only wish that were the case). Those who have been in or around me my whole life know better.
SO... lets go from 2000ish - I was married to a man who I thought was my "soul mate" (wtf does that mean anyways?) I worked a job I really actually loved that made me want to go to college and further my education and get a degree (if I ever got the money) soon after 9-11 happenend I found that my "soul mate" was betraying me and my children in the worst possible way and my daughter paid the price of her innocence thanks to him. I put the man in prison, he's currently up for parole for the second time and if he achieves it will be out in March. :( Honestly that was the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life. But I had the right to be hurt and angry and betrayed and could scream it from the mountain tops and all would accept that it was my right! Then of course I was to get over it and move on. (man I wish it were as easy as those words sound).
After that I told myself I would never let anyone else in, no one was ever allowed to have my trust or my heart ever again. THEN my stupidity took over and I brought in someone I had once cared for before, not an ex husband (oh hell no, they are exes for a reason!!!) A man I had stayed friends with from 1996 on. I fought what was happening, I tried to sabotage the relationship even at one point, to no avail. In the end, we bought a house and got married in 2005. My life has always been a rocky road, (and not the tasty kind with marshmallows) and ups and downs are par for the course for me. But what I did not expect was to feel the sort of happiness and love that I felt when I married this man. I had one of the most amazing weddings in my back yard with lots of friends and family! I was actually walked down the isle by both of my parents, we were all crying (heck I think most everyone was crying during that ceremony!) That was indeed the happiest day of my life. Little did I know then what my future held. Everything stayed wonderful until May 2007.
On the 8th of May, 2007 I was diagnosed with a meningioma, brain tumor, and was told that I had to have brain surgery to have it removed. That was it, I didn't realize it then, everyone was so supportive and helped me face up to what was in front of me, I took it in stride, got my affairs in order, came to grips with the fact that I might die during surgery etc. The weeks prior to my surgery I had friends and family ralley together by my side. My husband and daughter even got along with each other (believe me that was a rare first and only). I had the surgery May 30, 2007 and I came out of the surgery alive and well. (no major brain damage, not a vegetable, etc.) Couldn't play the piano but of course never could anyways! lol
The road to recovery turned out to be never ending. I had gained 40 lbs between May and August. My husband lost his mother that same year at the end of November. That indeed was the year that stole my life. I lost the man I loved, I lost my independence, my confidence, my ability to hold things together. Now, almost 7 years later, not much has changed. I have health issues that are a result of that surgery (worse than I ever had before they removed the damn thing!) My marriage is just a word and arrangement these days. I spend more days wishing I had not survived that surgery than I do being grateful to be a live. Being alive is not much when you are not living... when all you do is exist for the benefit of others. When you feel as if everything that means anything has been stripped away one layer at a time.
And apparently thru everything I've experienced in my life the one thing that truly hurts is love. Loving someone and expecting that love to be there always. To put your heart out there and give it to someone with the expectation that they will care for it the way they expect you to care for theirs. Except maybe that is the problem, maybe I never truly had his heart, maybe he never really gave me that gift. Guess that could explain things. Heart break is more painful than any physical pain I've endured. (and believe me... I've definitely had more than my fair share of that!) Physical pain heals much faster. THIS... this just burns and burns and aches and keeps pushing me further and further down into the dirt and rocks. ....
WHY?
(I must stop writing for now... I have to do stuff to so that I feel I am earning my way.)
