How do you have a conversation with someone about something you find important when you know that no matter how you start it, no matter how you word it, how calm and kind you are, that the other person will immediately go on the defensive and be irritated and angry.
What do you do if you feel like the ONLY way to move forward is to have this conversation but you feel that having it might only make things worse because of the other persons inability to see alternate perspectives. When the other person is one who believes they have no responsibility in the topic.
How does marriage work if only one person is willing to try, to compromise, to do what it takes. If only one person puts the love into it that was there in the beginning.
Why do I want to be with the person that no longer wants to truly be with me? Why do I love this person, the one who at one time, I loved because he believed in me, because he made me feel worthy and loved, he help me feel better about me. He was fun, loving and funny. I thought he accepted me for me, I thought he vowed to continue to be this person when we married each other.
Once again I feel like I've been shredded and torn. I spent a life time being hurt over and over because I kept entrusting others with my heart. I thought I finally found someone who was worthy of that trust, who would not drop it on the ground into the dirt and rocks to be left to dry and wither.
I have no drive or motivation or inspiration .... it hurts.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
WARNING: A real journal entry...
WARNING:
I think I'm going to start using this as a therapy tool of sorts, so is you are NOT interested in hearing the good, bad and ugly, then please close out this window and move on. This is the only way I feel I have left to release the pent up frustration that I am experiencing in my life right now, I will share the good stuff too, when it is prevalent and worthy.
And please PLEASE PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE refrain from spitting out words and phrases such as:
Oh this too shall pass...
God will never give you more than you can handle...
It will get better, hang in there...
Etc.
Those and many more are phrases people use when they have no other idea what else to say, because it gives them some form of satisfaction like they know more than others.
Reality is where I'm at right now, not some dark closet forming sick opinions of my current situations, not up on some pedestal saying I'm the only one with problems, I'm right here in the right now. I have these feelings because they are real to me. I have them because I am human and no more than that. I'm no sentient being who has some awe inspiring talent to just turn off how I feel and move forward. If I could achieve numbness and be content as things are from one minute to the next, well then I guess I wouldn't have the need for this right?
Brief synopsis, I've had my fair share and then some of rough life experiences, I've seen death up close, been married and divorced, beaten and betrayed, I've loved and lost and loved again, I've trusted more than I should have ever trusted. I've tossed my heart out one too many times to have it danced upon by those who just don't seem to give a damn. I've had many a moment where I felt it was time to just throw in the towel, say good bye to this cruel unforgiving world, even tried and failed at that too! I spent a life of being active and independent and confident, able bodied and able minded. I've had times of great spiritual reflection and times in deep despair. These are all feelings that are human, some get to experience a few of them, some experience them all. I could give you a full run down of all the shit I've seen, been thru, experienced etc but honestly most of you would just think I was either feeling sorry for myself or that I was crafting stories to get attention. (Oh I only wish that were the case). Those who have been in or around me my whole life know better.
SO... lets go from 2000ish - I was married to a man who I thought was my "soul mate" (wtf does that mean anyways?) I worked a job I really actually loved that made me want to go to college and further my education and get a degree (if I ever got the money) soon after 9-11 happenend I found that my "soul mate" was betraying me and my children in the worst possible way and my daughter paid the price of her innocence thanks to him. I put the man in prison, he's currently up for parole for the second time and if he achieves it will be out in March. :( Honestly that was the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life. But I had the right to be hurt and angry and betrayed and could scream it from the mountain tops and all would accept that it was my right! Then of course I was to get over it and move on. (man I wish it were as easy as those words sound).
After that I told myself I would never let anyone else in, no one was ever allowed to have my trust or my heart ever again. THEN my stupidity took over and I brought in someone I had once cared for before, not an ex husband (oh hell no, they are exes for a reason!!!) A man I had stayed friends with from 1996 on. I fought what was happening, I tried to sabotage the relationship even at one point, to no avail. In the end, we bought a house and got married in 2005. My life has always been a rocky road, (and not the tasty kind with marshmallows) and ups and downs are par for the course for me. But what I did not expect was to feel the sort of happiness and love that I felt when I married this man. I had one of the most amazing weddings in my back yard with lots of friends and family! I was actually walked down the isle by both of my parents, we were all crying (heck I think most everyone was crying during that ceremony!) That was indeed the happiest day of my life. Little did I know then what my future held. Everything stayed wonderful until May 2007.
On the 8th of May, 2007 I was diagnosed with a meningioma, brain tumor, and was told that I had to have brain surgery to have it removed. That was it, I didn't realize it then, everyone was so supportive and helped me face up to what was in front of me, I took it in stride, got my affairs in order, came to grips with the fact that I might die during surgery etc. The weeks prior to my surgery I had friends and family ralley together by my side. My husband and daughter even got along with each other (believe me that was a rare first and only). I had the surgery May 30, 2007 and I came out of the surgery alive and well. (no major brain damage, not a vegetable, etc.) Couldn't play the piano but of course never could anyways! lol
The road to recovery turned out to be never ending. I had gained 40 lbs between May and August. My husband lost his mother that same year at the end of November. That indeed was the year that stole my life. I lost the man I loved, I lost my independence, my confidence, my ability to hold things together. Now, almost 7 years later, not much has changed. I have health issues that are a result of that surgery (worse than I ever had before they removed the damn thing!) My marriage is just a word and arrangement these days. I spend more days wishing I had not survived that surgery than I do being grateful to be a live. Being alive is not much when you are not living... when all you do is exist for the benefit of others. When you feel as if everything that means anything has been stripped away one layer at a time.
And apparently thru everything I've experienced in my life the one thing that truly hurts is love. Loving someone and expecting that love to be there always. To put your heart out there and give it to someone with the expectation that they will care for it the way they expect you to care for theirs. Except maybe that is the problem, maybe I never truly had his heart, maybe he never really gave me that gift. Guess that could explain things. Heart break is more painful than any physical pain I've endured. (and believe me... I've definitely had more than my fair share of that!) Physical pain heals much faster. THIS... this just burns and burns and aches and keeps pushing me further and further down into the dirt and rocks. ....
WHY?
(I must stop writing for now... I have to do stuff to so that I feel I am earning my way.)
I think I'm going to start using this as a therapy tool of sorts, so is you are NOT interested in hearing the good, bad and ugly, then please close out this window and move on. This is the only way I feel I have left to release the pent up frustration that I am experiencing in my life right now, I will share the good stuff too, when it is prevalent and worthy.
And please PLEASE PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE refrain from spitting out words and phrases such as:
Oh this too shall pass...
God will never give you more than you can handle...
It will get better, hang in there...
Etc.
Those and many more are phrases people use when they have no other idea what else to say, because it gives them some form of satisfaction like they know more than others.
Reality is where I'm at right now, not some dark closet forming sick opinions of my current situations, not up on some pedestal saying I'm the only one with problems, I'm right here in the right now. I have these feelings because they are real to me. I have them because I am human and no more than that. I'm no sentient being who has some awe inspiring talent to just turn off how I feel and move forward. If I could achieve numbness and be content as things are from one minute to the next, well then I guess I wouldn't have the need for this right?
Brief synopsis, I've had my fair share and then some of rough life experiences, I've seen death up close, been married and divorced, beaten and betrayed, I've loved and lost and loved again, I've trusted more than I should have ever trusted. I've tossed my heart out one too many times to have it danced upon by those who just don't seem to give a damn. I've had many a moment where I felt it was time to just throw in the towel, say good bye to this cruel unforgiving world, even tried and failed at that too! I spent a life of being active and independent and confident, able bodied and able minded. I've had times of great spiritual reflection and times in deep despair. These are all feelings that are human, some get to experience a few of them, some experience them all. I could give you a full run down of all the shit I've seen, been thru, experienced etc but honestly most of you would just think I was either feeling sorry for myself or that I was crafting stories to get attention. (Oh I only wish that were the case). Those who have been in or around me my whole life know better.
SO... lets go from 2000ish - I was married to a man who I thought was my "soul mate" (wtf does that mean anyways?) I worked a job I really actually loved that made me want to go to college and further my education and get a degree (if I ever got the money) soon after 9-11 happenend I found that my "soul mate" was betraying me and my children in the worst possible way and my daughter paid the price of her innocence thanks to him. I put the man in prison, he's currently up for parole for the second time and if he achieves it will be out in March. :( Honestly that was the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life. But I had the right to be hurt and angry and betrayed and could scream it from the mountain tops and all would accept that it was my right! Then of course I was to get over it and move on. (man I wish it were as easy as those words sound).
After that I told myself I would never let anyone else in, no one was ever allowed to have my trust or my heart ever again. THEN my stupidity took over and I brought in someone I had once cared for before, not an ex husband (oh hell no, they are exes for a reason!!!) A man I had stayed friends with from 1996 on. I fought what was happening, I tried to sabotage the relationship even at one point, to no avail. In the end, we bought a house and got married in 2005. My life has always been a rocky road, (and not the tasty kind with marshmallows) and ups and downs are par for the course for me. But what I did not expect was to feel the sort of happiness and love that I felt when I married this man. I had one of the most amazing weddings in my back yard with lots of friends and family! I was actually walked down the isle by both of my parents, we were all crying (heck I think most everyone was crying during that ceremony!) That was indeed the happiest day of my life. Little did I know then what my future held. Everything stayed wonderful until May 2007.
On the 8th of May, 2007 I was diagnosed with a meningioma, brain tumor, and was told that I had to have brain surgery to have it removed. That was it, I didn't realize it then, everyone was so supportive and helped me face up to what was in front of me, I took it in stride, got my affairs in order, came to grips with the fact that I might die during surgery etc. The weeks prior to my surgery I had friends and family ralley together by my side. My husband and daughter even got along with each other (believe me that was a rare first and only). I had the surgery May 30, 2007 and I came out of the surgery alive and well. (no major brain damage, not a vegetable, etc.) Couldn't play the piano but of course never could anyways! lol
The road to recovery turned out to be never ending. I had gained 40 lbs between May and August. My husband lost his mother that same year at the end of November. That indeed was the year that stole my life. I lost the man I loved, I lost my independence, my confidence, my ability to hold things together. Now, almost 7 years later, not much has changed. I have health issues that are a result of that surgery (worse than I ever had before they removed the damn thing!) My marriage is just a word and arrangement these days. I spend more days wishing I had not survived that surgery than I do being grateful to be a live. Being alive is not much when you are not living... when all you do is exist for the benefit of others. When you feel as if everything that means anything has been stripped away one layer at a time.
And apparently thru everything I've experienced in my life the one thing that truly hurts is love. Loving someone and expecting that love to be there always. To put your heart out there and give it to someone with the expectation that they will care for it the way they expect you to care for theirs. Except maybe that is the problem, maybe I never truly had his heart, maybe he never really gave me that gift. Guess that could explain things. Heart break is more painful than any physical pain I've endured. (and believe me... I've definitely had more than my fair share of that!) Physical pain heals much faster. THIS... this just burns and burns and aches and keeps pushing me further and further down into the dirt and rocks. ....
WHY?
(I must stop writing for now... I have to do stuff to so that I feel I am earning my way.)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Pharmaceutical insurance!!!
Pharmaceutical insurance over charging for medications and not abiding by the insurance plans coverage terms, this really irks me. I called them about being over charged when comparing what I paid at the pharmacy to the online listed "out of pocket" cost of the medications. After battling thru 3 phone calls, 3 reps that didn't speak or understand English well enough to communicate, being disconnected and then finally getting an English speaking US rep on the line. I finally found out that they admit to seeing the problem but can not answer the question of "Why?" [not even the supervisor] So now there is a "research ticket" on all our medications and costs to acquire an explanation of these discrepancies. Ugh. Just another way to screw us over, sad thing is that this was probably happening ALL year last year but I had no idea because I never checked. NOW... I know to ALWAYS verify costs of ALL medications and ask questions when there are discrepancies! Now I am curious as to if I can get reimbursement for overpaying on all of these! (It is doubtful but it would be nice and the honest thing for them to do.) I will have to ask on Friday when I get to call them back for my answer!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Well hello 2014
So, 2014 is here, so far... it is not starting off any better than 2013.
Same shit, different day! Health issues, financial issues, relationship issues... really, sometimes I have to wonder "why bother". I'm so tired of putting on a smile for everyone around me so "they" are happy with how I am, so I'm not "too negative" for them to deal with. Really, not sure what the point is anymore.
Today being Monday started off just really wonderful! (enter sarcastic tone here) First point, I did not get but maybe four hours of sleep due to my recent onset of insomnia (again) which I'm sure doesn't respond well to the current level of emotional stress stacked on top of it.
Second point, being awaken by a call from Nelnet, attempting to collector for my old student loans, again, even tho they had just received paperwork from me concerning this matter. I've been trying to get that deferment or discharged due to disability but of course they are worse that the SSD on requirements. I had already gone thru this once with the last agency, OSLA, that serviced the loan (prior to Nelnet) who dropped the ball by not attempting to get a reply from the doctor and did not contact me concerning the matter. My previous neurologist did not return a call and I guess they didn't choose to further persue that process. My guess is that they were either being lazy or just assumed that since they didn't get a call back that the doctor was not a real physician. Who knows but either way it was dropped and no one ever attempted to inform me, until of course Nelnet acquired the account.
I just filed forms for "Temporary Total Disability Deferment TTDD" with Nelnet (which they received on the 16th) and it was denied because the loan did not go to "Direct Loans" prior to 1993 (Even tho the loan was acquired in 1990.) Direct Loans is yet another agency who "serviced" the loan. Because it was acquired by Direct Loans in 2003 where they consolidated the loans because they were attempting to lower the debt and payment so that I could pay on it. (Which I did while I was able to work.) My question at this point of course is if this were the case, why didn't they say that to begin with? Why have me fill out forms, have my doctor fill out forms to only be told after the fact that I don't even qualify to file the damn forms!
SO... now they have put it into administrative forbearance (which was supposedly where it was to begin with while I got the TTDD papers done but was not and instead was just showing as deliquent.) They are now sending me forms to fill out to apply for an economic hardship deferment, which will be good for one year from the date prior to the forms being sent to me for TTDD, since I didn't qualify for that. According to them, they did not report this to the credit agencies. (Hopefully that is a true statement since we are attempting to refinance the house so we can lower the payments on it so we can afford my damn medical bills and medications!)
What is really interesting to know is that even tho Nelnet (the servicer of my student loan) services government education loans, the governments decision on my state of disability is not valid enough, so even if I got my SSD awarded, they still will not believe I was disabled!!! Honestly I don't get it, they can look at my records to see the previous paperwork filed on this account. I am baffled that I am STILL fighting all of this. If I were unable to stand for any length of time or sit for any length of time this would pretty much seal the deal, but having brain surgery and subsequent seizures and being under constant medical care for treatment to control them enough to function and communicate at any level on a daily basis is not enough. My doctor filled out the form for TTDD with diagnosis and condition information and expected length of disability (life time) as well as contact information for further questions, but THAT piece of paper is not sufficient. They need another form filled out with more questions and contact information again so that they can call to ask for further information. And then I have to hope that they do not drop the ball like before. I am at my wits end with this whole insane deal, all for an education that wasn't worth the 2 cents for paper the "diploma" was printed on. However, if I were just being lazy and on government assistance, all of this would be a mute point because that appears to be sufficient enough evidence to prove that I'm unable to pay on my loans.
And then if all that wasn't enough to get me riled up and start my day off so wonderfully (again insert sarcastic tone), I walked out to a pile of shit that my dear sweet loving cat, Storm, left for me because the little ass feels that I should follow behind him and immediately scoop any deposits he leaves in the litter box. I have two large litter boxes for two cats in which there was one deposit in one box (covered thanks to the politeness of my other cat Birdie) and then two deposits one covered (again probably by Birdie) and one not... which is by the culprit, Storm. He knows immediately upon my walking out of my bedroom that he is in trouble, (before I even see the pile) and he KNOWS it is bad to do this, and yet, he does it anyway. Now the interesting part of this story is that while on vacation my cats can be cared for once a day and this does not happen. Nor does it happen if I am away and my husband is the one caring for them. But while I'm home whether I'm awake or asleep it does not seem to matter, he feels that I should attend to his deposits instantly. OMG I'm so tired of this neurotic little bastard!
Now I am afraid to even attempt to do anything else for the day, I need to try and get some laundry done, need to attempt to get a few pictures of a recent piece of jewelry I made, need to try and make more jewelry to sell to help pay these damn medical bills that have now almost completely maxed out ANOTHER credit card. Not sure why I bother to even make jewelry, I make less than a half dozen sales a year...if that. I get lots of compliments and people who appear to be interested, but no follow thru. I am so appreciative of the few people who have purchased in the past. Unfortunately, one of my best customers took his own life early last year, he was one who commissioned several pieces. Mostly it's been family who have purchased from me. I also have this customer who is a wonderful lady I met online that probably really can't even afford to buy what she has. (She purchased a few of my macrame bracelets.) I wonder sometimes if the people who are buying are only doing so because they feel sorry for me and not because they think my work is nice and that the people who compliment my work aren't just doing the same thing.
Well, I guess now that I've vented a novel I should probably attempt to eat something, take more medication and try doing the laundry. I need to write a grocery list buy my brain is a bit frazzled so that might be a bit of a challenge. (considering that this post has taken me an hour and a half to write out, read over and correct and read over and correct again, which really makes no sense since no one reads this damn thing anyway. I guess it's just a way for me to release the pent up frustration so that those around me don't have my "negativity" bothering them.
I don't drink alcohol anymore (medications duh) and would have never considered doing so at this time of the day anyway, but right now a strong shot of Jack Daniels or two or a dozen, sounds like a plausible form of treatment for my current state of mind.. But of course that isn't going to happen... more coffee and a bowl of granola... oh yeah.
-signing off
(maybe next time I'll have something more positive to talk about)
Same shit, different day! Health issues, financial issues, relationship issues... really, sometimes I have to wonder "why bother". I'm so tired of putting on a smile for everyone around me so "they" are happy with how I am, so I'm not "too negative" for them to deal with. Really, not sure what the point is anymore.
Today being Monday started off just really wonderful! (enter sarcastic tone here) First point, I did not get but maybe four hours of sleep due to my recent onset of insomnia (again) which I'm sure doesn't respond well to the current level of emotional stress stacked on top of it.
Second point, being awaken by a call from Nelnet, attempting to collector for my old student loans, again, even tho they had just received paperwork from me concerning this matter. I've been trying to get that deferment or discharged due to disability but of course they are worse that the SSD on requirements. I had already gone thru this once with the last agency, OSLA, that serviced the loan (prior to Nelnet) who dropped the ball by not attempting to get a reply from the doctor and did not contact me concerning the matter. My previous neurologist did not return a call and I guess they didn't choose to further persue that process. My guess is that they were either being lazy or just assumed that since they didn't get a call back that the doctor was not a real physician. Who knows but either way it was dropped and no one ever attempted to inform me, until of course Nelnet acquired the account.
I just filed forms for "Temporary Total Disability Deferment TTDD" with Nelnet (which they received on the 16th) and it was denied because the loan did not go to "Direct Loans" prior to 1993 (Even tho the loan was acquired in 1990.) Direct Loans is yet another agency who "serviced" the loan. Because it was acquired by Direct Loans in 2003 where they consolidated the loans because they were attempting to lower the debt and payment so that I could pay on it. (Which I did while I was able to work.) My question at this point of course is if this were the case, why didn't they say that to begin with? Why have me fill out forms, have my doctor fill out forms to only be told after the fact that I don't even qualify to file the damn forms!
SO... now they have put it into administrative forbearance (which was supposedly where it was to begin with while I got the TTDD papers done but was not and instead was just showing as deliquent.) They are now sending me forms to fill out to apply for an economic hardship deferment, which will be good for one year from the date prior to the forms being sent to me for TTDD, since I didn't qualify for that. According to them, they did not report this to the credit agencies. (Hopefully that is a true statement since we are attempting to refinance the house so we can lower the payments on it so we can afford my damn medical bills and medications!)
What is really interesting to know is that even tho Nelnet (the servicer of my student loan) services government education loans, the governments decision on my state of disability is not valid enough, so even if I got my SSD awarded, they still will not believe I was disabled!!! Honestly I don't get it, they can look at my records to see the previous paperwork filed on this account. I am baffled that I am STILL fighting all of this. If I were unable to stand for any length of time or sit for any length of time this would pretty much seal the deal, but having brain surgery and subsequent seizures and being under constant medical care for treatment to control them enough to function and communicate at any level on a daily basis is not enough. My doctor filled out the form for TTDD with diagnosis and condition information and expected length of disability (life time) as well as contact information for further questions, but THAT piece of paper is not sufficient. They need another form filled out with more questions and contact information again so that they can call to ask for further information. And then I have to hope that they do not drop the ball like before. I am at my wits end with this whole insane deal, all for an education that wasn't worth the 2 cents for paper the "diploma" was printed on. However, if I were just being lazy and on government assistance, all of this would be a mute point because that appears to be sufficient enough evidence to prove that I'm unable to pay on my loans.
And then if all that wasn't enough to get me riled up and start my day off so wonderfully (again insert sarcastic tone), I walked out to a pile of shit that my dear sweet loving cat, Storm, left for me because the little ass feels that I should follow behind him and immediately scoop any deposits he leaves in the litter box. I have two large litter boxes for two cats in which there was one deposit in one box (covered thanks to the politeness of my other cat Birdie) and then two deposits one covered (again probably by Birdie) and one not... which is by the culprit, Storm. He knows immediately upon my walking out of my bedroom that he is in trouble, (before I even see the pile) and he KNOWS it is bad to do this, and yet, he does it anyway. Now the interesting part of this story is that while on vacation my cats can be cared for once a day and this does not happen. Nor does it happen if I am away and my husband is the one caring for them. But while I'm home whether I'm awake or asleep it does not seem to matter, he feels that I should attend to his deposits instantly. OMG I'm so tired of this neurotic little bastard!
Now I am afraid to even attempt to do anything else for the day, I need to try and get some laundry done, need to attempt to get a few pictures of a recent piece of jewelry I made, need to try and make more jewelry to sell to help pay these damn medical bills that have now almost completely maxed out ANOTHER credit card. Not sure why I bother to even make jewelry, I make less than a half dozen sales a year...if that. I get lots of compliments and people who appear to be interested, but no follow thru. I am so appreciative of the few people who have purchased in the past. Unfortunately, one of my best customers took his own life early last year, he was one who commissioned several pieces. Mostly it's been family who have purchased from me. I also have this customer who is a wonderful lady I met online that probably really can't even afford to buy what she has. (She purchased a few of my macrame bracelets.) I wonder sometimes if the people who are buying are only doing so because they feel sorry for me and not because they think my work is nice and that the people who compliment my work aren't just doing the same thing.
Well, I guess now that I've vented a novel I should probably attempt to eat something, take more medication and try doing the laundry. I need to write a grocery list buy my brain is a bit frazzled so that might be a bit of a challenge. (considering that this post has taken me an hour and a half to write out, read over and correct and read over and correct again, which really makes no sense since no one reads this damn thing anyway. I guess it's just a way for me to release the pent up frustration so that those around me don't have my "negativity" bothering them.
I don't drink alcohol anymore (medications duh) and would have never considered doing so at this time of the day anyway, but right now a strong shot of Jack Daniels or two or a dozen, sounds like a plausible form of treatment for my current state of mind.. But of course that isn't going to happen... more coffee and a bowl of granola... oh yeah.
-signing off
(maybe next time I'll have something more positive to talk about)
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