Its been 6 weeks now

It's been six weeks now and it feels like its been 6 months... and I just keep having to tell myself.... just keep swimming, just keep swimming...   UGH.........

I did get some good news and that is that I got my approval for my SS disability, but still do not know how much or when etc.   Gonna try and get a consult set up with an attorney as soon as we know the details on that monthly amount and start date so we have a starting point and go from there. Need to find out what all needs to be in order to get this done amicably and quickly.

This living on three hours of sleep is gonna kill me or make me kill.  O.o

EDIT: (later that day) - The hardest thing for me is to not throw things, scream and yell why????   He came to me with nothing... a duffle bag and a few boxes, no car, no job.  A friend of mine helped me get him here to DFW so he could get on his feet.  NOW.... He has a successful career and had a wife that was devoted to him 110% and then some... but I'm flawed and broken, so now...  I'm the one that will be without.  I will have a car, but I'll be living in an apartment that is worse than the one I had when he got here, I will have to depend on him and Social security for my entire existence.  I feel betrayed and thrown away.  I keep having people tell me things like it's not you, he's being stupid or shallow.  But the thruth is... I am broken, I am flawed, I am a burden financially and so where does this leave me ... what kind of future can I possibly look forward to at this point in my life.  

That say to have had love is better than to never have been loved.    THAT is BULLSHIT!  If I hadn't had it... then I wouldn't know what I am losing, if I hadn't gotten that first 5 years (pre tumor surgery) then this wouldn't be so bad.  But having had this amazing relationship, having moved up and onward in my life with a man I loved and adored and cherished, who became a rock in my world.  To go from apartment living to buying a home, married and full of love and laughter... and now...  THIS.    I can't even express it out loud tho because if I do then I could loose even more.  At this point I'm not sure if any of this is even worth the trouble anymore.  O.o

Twisted

I'm all kinds of twisted up inside.  Angry, scared, furious, sad, disappointed.   I want to scream and yell and beat on things but can't.  I have to hold my composure.  I have to "protect" what little future I have left to look forward too.  And the more I talk the more it is looking like that isn't going to be much more than the courts mandate.  :(  

It seems that he is already looking at his life in a better light, where mine seems like a black hole that HE is throwing me into.  The more the days pass by the more comfortable he becomes in his decision, no regrets and doesn't seem to be all that damn sad about it either.

Discussing future places to live, he looks for apartments with garages ... which are way more expensive that we he was looking at for me.  I'm on this cheap ass, I'm screwed budget.  With more bills than he'll have when it is all said and done.

I was wondering yesterday what is it that he is actually having to give up that could bother him... and well... honestly, my "services" as a housekeeper and maid and Jill of all trades.  Monetarily he's not loosing much of anything, And those small things he may loose, he can easily replace.  I've been trying to condense, throw away and give away my craft room stuff.  It's taken me years to build this up, little by little, using gift cards and a monthly "art card" allowance and lots of recycling.  Now all that is being is up in the air as to what I get to keep.

We still haven't gone thru movies and pc games, I still have to make the "final" list.  But hey I got at least 10 more weeks minimum to work on that.. probably more like three months.  :(   I just do not know how to get thru this, my chest hurts, my eyes sore, my nose chapped.  What is so wrong with me that he can't get past?  This is so very very VERY unfair.  (not that life is fair... and yeah... heard all the cliche's and if I hear another someone might loose their head!!!)