HUGE Life change

My new home, Albuquerque, NM  This is the Sandia Mountains.  :D

Okay, so I've not made a post here in a VERY VERY long time.  So, well here it goes.
The abuser of my daughter was released, that was stressful, he went to South Carolina so that gave me some relief.

So, I made some new jewelry for my vending event, sold nothing went in the whole with booth rental.  Don't understand that one at all.  Last time I at least so a little bit.  This was miserably hot, (dripping hot) on top of it.  Yuck

The following week on September 9th at 4:01 a.m. lightning hit the building next/behind mine.  Massive fire, evacuations from our buildings.  Was a nightmare, scared me into a huge panic attack and at 4:01 you really are limited to who you can call.  I had my meds but nothing to drink and couldn't swallow the damn pill.  Anyways. Started having a cough from that for a while.  Lost my PC and my Sound bar and my Modem's Ethernet ports.  Was insane.

Then I started to pack, little by little for my move.  Boxes after Boxes, trying to find places to put the boxes... crazy.

Had a weird incident at the apartment complex where a maintenance guy tried to just unlock my door and walk in while I was sitting at my desk.  I heard the lock and door handle... so I got up and opened the door as he was walking away, he was going to show my apartment to the new tenant.  (If I had not been home... wtf?)  I was stupid and let them in and the lady was horrible, opened all my cabinets, closets, fridge, etc.  And kept talking about how her apartment was bigger.  She stunk too!   I got with management immediately and had the lock changed and then changed it again myself with a lock of my own.  I put their's back on the night before I left.

I packed up and loaded the truck with my son and my daughter and friends (crazy day) then the next day had another friend of mine come over, no drama... yeah!  Ate lunch and headed out.  Arrived October 21st and unloaded my stuff in to a HOUSE!!!  Yup, got a 3 bedroom, garage, nice big back yard.  It's a bit of a fixer upper but I don't mind.  I have a house again!!!  And I can finally have a dog, unlike before when my ex and I had our house and huge backyard.  

Anyways, I'm still unpacking and working on where to put things, working on some repairs, waiting on some repairs, but funny thing happened when I arrived here, when I sat down ... I felt at home, not like temporary, but like HOME.  Comfortable and well... it's just awesome!   It's like a combination of the house I grew up in and the house my ex and I had combined with a bit of a twist.  LOL

But I'm home... in Albuquerque, New Mexico!  :D

Still moving forward

SO, decided to change things up a bit in the journal entry today.
I'm fighting motivation, how how how do I get this energy back?

I want to get stuff done, I want to create jewelry, I want to work more on art, but there is this weird force holding me back and I can't figure out how to fight it. Any ideas?

I have a move to ABQ, NM coming up. I have two trips at the beginning of August to make and well not sure if I will get the other two in. Money is an issue there as is my driving long distances alone.

Recently my emotions have been tested to the full extent and this past week changed from one type to another. Betrayal and flat out ANGER, finding out things that were hidden from me in the past and realizing in black and white just the reality of it. I don't like the word hate, but I truly felt HATE towards this person this past weekend. My emotions started downhill on Wednesday then by Saturday went full force into the hate. I've been home bound for three days and today I have no choice but to leave and go to the store. 

Being alone ALL the time is my worst enemy. I'm not meant to be alone, I'm a social person, but no one visits me and everyone else has a life or is a couple or whatever. I'm emotionally tired. 

SO I'm going to go backwards in a way to remind myself  of where I need to be.  With that I'm linking my "theme songs" for myself (again) to get me thru my days and build myself up etc. Together they created my MOTTO(which I had forgotten): "I'm gonna find that brand new me. It’s gonna be a new dawn, a new day and a new life. I'm gonna feel good, and he's gonna miss me when I'm gone! And I will be brave!" (and yeah I like Carly Rose Soneclar's versions better!)

Brand New Me by Alicia Keys covered by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ytR5RDnJ7eY 

Feeling good originally by Nina Simone's but more recently redone by Michael Buble but covered here by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ffyZNW7Ra7M

Cups from Pitch Perfect by Anna Kendrick : http://youtu.be/cmSbXsFE3l8

Brave by Sara Bareilles: http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4

Next move forward...

My last entry was just a little over a month ago. 

My would be 10 yr anniversary came and went and I didn’t shed a tear, the night before (a Wednesday) I had burgers with him and we took care of a few more loose ends that helped emotionally bring some closure and even that only brought a couple of tears.  I thought with that I had made great strides and I was going to be all good after that, boy was I wrong.  On the following Saturday night/Sunday morning I spent about 5 hours crying non-stop and at times I mean full out bawling. The following days were extremely hard for me because I had overdosed on emotional adrenaline along with other things that I had done the days before and after. 

This week has been another one of those where I have been doing good to get out of bed, I wake up with headaches and physically hurt.  Then I get up thinking I’m going to make this day work, I’m going to accomplish something.  Next thing I know the day is coming to an end and I’ve done nothing of any value.  Motivation is dead in the water. 

When I was at “our” house the day before the anniversary I visited the ancient one (an old tree that is beyond the fence of the back yard). He was my connection to nature and kind of my muse – or so I thought.  I was hoping that it would help me move forward artistically and was convinced it would.  Guess I was wrong.  Tho I will still very much miss my ancient one.  All the rain in May made him fall quite a bit.  The before and after pics below show what he was like before.

I have to find my motivation, I have to get my life back.  I have a vending event September 5^th, by then I really REALLY need to have a lots of new stuff.  Right now I have very little made and that is not a good thing.  I’m splitting the booth with a friend Bethany, hopefully we can both make over our cost for the booth space!!!  (I got lucky and got a spot for us, I think someone helped in that area, and I am very grateful for that.) 

I have just a little over 4 months to get things ready to move as well as make jewelry and make a trip to San Antonio and possibly Houston if logistics can be figured out.  I really need to get past this block.  I can’t wait until the last minute to do things because then my body and brain will fight each other and too much of that and I’ll be even more useless.

Anyways, so I guess I’m still grieving.  It’s not so much that I miss him or want him back that would be insane.  What I think I am grieving the most is the loss of that planned future and the loss of what was once and the hope of having that again.  In all of my life, out of all my relationships, he was the one I truly felt was my one love to last forever.  By December I will be starting my life over in another state, away from him, the house, the friends, etc.  I’m scared but at the same time somewhat anxious, and feels like it just isn’t happening fast enough, (which is a good thing I guess since I can’t get my act together. )  Now I have to start a new future. 

Between starting this journal entry and ending it I found out that there are some health issues/deficiencies that may be contributing to my overall energy/motivation issues.  Learn something new every day.  Low vitamin D levels because I forgot to up the dose and the fact that I never started the Vitamin B5.  (Both suggested by my PCP recently.)

Anyways, I’m going to make some adjustments to my health and try to focus on creating my new life!  Positive energies, prayers, etc. welcome.  :D 

(Reminder though I edit and re-edit I still miss typos and spelling the words wrong or confusing words so sorry about if I missed some!)

Where I am today and Poem

Photo by "unknown"

Over the past 13 months I've been on a series of ups and downs, I get these great revelations about moving forward and making grand decisions and then... something else happens and I dive down into the depths of my depression all over again.  There are few people who actually read these so I feel a little more at ease I guess for just putting it out there. 

I never thought I'd be living my life single in a cheap apartment with amorous acrobatic elephants living upstairs.  I never thought I would be alone and NEVER thought my husband that I did so much for and spoiled so intensely would find me not worthy enough to be with anymore.  I never thought he would leave me because I became "less than perfect".  We had talked about if one of us were to become disabled and how we'd always be there for one another.  To hear him profess his love for me but that it was no longer THAT kind of love, tore a hole in me that seems to sometimes just swallow me. 

To watch him move on as if the last 12 years were of no significance, burns thru my heart.  The very weekend after he moved me into my apartment (after having me live in my own home in the guest room for 3 months) he met and started dating "her", yes... the very next weekend.  They go everywhere together and do all the things that I had wanted to do with him over the past 7 years that we were together.  Things he had always made excuses for as to why we couldn't do.  He has purchased things that we could never afford because of me and my medical expenses (and yet he has to pay out more now, than he ever did then, in spousal support).  When he parades around town in "our" group of friends with her on his side and I am left to spend my time alone in an apartment in tears. 

by killgannon2113 on Deviant Art

Every time I look to go do something in our community of friends, he's already responded to the invite with her.  He's taken everything away from me and she is living my life.  Living my life with him, sleeping with him in our bed, in our house that I picked and repaired and decorated and did the yard work etc on, and with my cats, with my friends, doing all these things he wouldn't do with me because he was embarrassed of me, or I wasn't worthy of, or because I supposedly didn't want to do or whatever it was. 

He was supposed to sale the house and all would be done.  Instead I am still on the mortgage and it's still legally my home also.  She has quite a few of her belongings that stay there now, (only know this because I have had to go over to pick up a few things here and there) the last time it was her dog (he would never let me have a dog because we had two cats and there wasn't room in the house for an indoor/outdoor dog, yet she has a great Dane/lab mix (awesome dog not his fault that the owner is who she is).  Her yoga mats (because she is some crazy ass health and fitness nut (which is completely opposite of who he is/was), her laundry soap, and other miscellaneous things.

Photo by "unknown" - meme by PS Keller

He claims to be my friend still and he claims he doesn't want to hurt me and sadly I truly believe this is true, she on the other hand is amazingly passive aggressive in her behaviors towards me online, on FB especially (tho in person is oh so sweet, kind, caring and "sincere"), and I'm sure she fools him with that as well when it comes to me.  That attitude of being so sickeningly sweet in her counteractions to my words or posts, she does so on her page within a short time period of my posting something about what I'm going thru or posting a meme that signifies how I feel.  She'll find one to counter it, or make one.   Everyone that is in "our" group of friends seem to think she hung the fucking moon, that she is this perfect person who never does anything wrong and is sincerely this wonderful amazingly positive person who would never ever treat someone negatively or even hurt a fly. 

sadness_by_superaelita on Deviant Art (I believe) 

Yes after he jumped into the relationship with her so quickly I looked and found comfort in the arms of someone who would at least tell me I'm pretty, at least found me attractive, and wanted me would treat me as if I were worthy of being by his side in public with friends  (and at first treated me well.  (Then that all changed... go figure)  I wanted what I had not had in the last 7 years.  To go from hearing your husband tell you how sexy and gorgeous and hot etc daily and not being able to keep his hands off of you to literally within a few weeks never saying it again because you had a tumor and brain surgery.  So yes I jumped at the first person that shows me better.  I made that mistake and I am ashamed of those actions for a few reasons, one it makes me a hypocrite to call him out on his jumping into it with her before the divorce papers were even final.  And it wasn't real, it was a facade, it was a mirage for me to escape the pain.  Though not a very successful escape, I still cried almost daily even while I was "involved" (which by the way was with my youngest son's father who eventually showed me he had not changed only gotten worse!!!)  And today I still find myself in tears regularly.  I have more bad than good days still.  I have people who think that I should just be "over by now".  People who think that well he's moved on why can't you.  WELL the reality of that is that in his heart he moved on the minute they put me on steroids before my surgery and when I didn't just "magically' loose the weight gained from that and go back to the exact same person who didn't face death head on, who didn't have deficits and needed support.

I don't blame "our" friends, we had couples for friends, not single people, so he and his new found significant other fit in with those friends and I do not.  It's not that they have chosen to take sides (I don't think, tho I may be wrong because I'm not there to know what is being said etc.)  But I'm alone, and I do not have anyone that isn't a couple to spend time with.  My options are to either being at the same place/function/party as "THEY" are and it destroying me inside, go out and about alone to strange places with strange people or become the hermit that I am in this dinky apartment in the not so great part of town, because it is what I can afford.  While he continues to live in our house making no effort to put it on the market or even refinance it.  I was kind enough to not fight for it (my mistake) and force the sale immediately.  We also had a horrible attorney that did not do the decree properly and it is now too late to file an amendment, we had an amicable divorce because we were staying friends. 

Photo by Unknow

One strange thing that came out of all of this is that I gained a sister, one who taught me a lot about who her brother was, about their childhood and things that in 20 years should have come up in some conversation at some point.  She and her husband see me as family more than her brother.  We do not use the term "in-law" because she is not happy with him and his actions and her husband is VERY upset and angry about it.  Because when they got married she ended up getting sick later and he could never imagine leaving her.  It's for better or worse and love conquers all (for some).  I got to go up there and spend 10 days having a wonderful time with a "sister" that I never had.

Yes this is a novel, it is me releasing or as some would call it ranting and others would call it dwelling and refusing to just "get over it".  I spent 20 years being friends with this man and 12 in a relationship and 9 in the marriage.  In 20 days we would have been married for 10 years.  A milestone that he destroyed.  If I could find the OFF switch, damn I would flip it so fast.  I don't want to feel ever again, I do not want to feel this pain.  I've been hurt in every relationship and marriage by things such as infidelity and abuse and more, and now this.  I broke my own rule and tried it again and this was the outcome.   

Photo and Meme by unknown

My art, my jewelry have been pushed into a dark corner, I tried to come out of the whole for a brief moment but it didn't' last long at all.  Then I had this really weird thing happen and that is this strange urge to write, something I had not done for I think somewhere around 15 years.  And this is what came out.  (I'll shut up about the rest for now, I hope you can forgive me for needing to release but it is called a journal.)  -- Oh and for the typos or strange sentence structure or misplaced words I tried to edit, but my disability makes that hard sometimes.

No more Demons

by Pamela (Pfalzgraf) Keller

When your demons from past and present take over your life,

they don't have to swallow you whole,

you have a choice to take control.

Don't be timid, don't be shy, throw back your head

 and say goodbye to all those monsters,

replace them with positive thoughts, love and control.

Don't be afraid, don't despair,

there are always better options.

I know because I've been there,

in the past and in the present.

It's not about being a victim or a survivor,

it's about how you live your life,

it's about how you feel inside,

how you care for and treat others.

Everyone handles life in their own ways,

judgement on how... is not our place,

People talk bad about social media

but my reality is that sometimes its where I become grounded,

inspired to move forward in my life.

For me it's not a deity that takes control, it's me!

Because even a deity can't do it alone,

We all have our own work to do.

***04/06/15

No More Demons

Tribalistic Mandala

For the first time in many many MANY years something happened, words started flying out of my brain, through a pen and onto a piece of paper.  I have books full of writing and poetry, but it's been so long since I wrote something like this that I can't even place or guess the year.

No more Demons

by Pamela (Pfalzgraf) Keller

When your demons from past and present take over your life,

they don't have to swallow you whole,

you have a choice to take control.

Don't be timid, don't be shy, throw back your head

 and say goodbye to all those monsters,

replace them with positive thoughts, love and control.

Don't be afraid, don't despair,

there are always better options.

I know because I've been there,

in the past and in the present.

It's not about being a victim or a survivor,

it's about how you live your life,

it's about how you feel inside,

how you care for and treat others.

Everyone handles life in their own ways,

judgement on how... is not our place, 

People talk bad about social media

but my reality is that sometimes its where I become grounded,

inspired to move forward in my life.

For me it's not a deity that takes control, it's me!

Because even a deity can't do it alone, 

We all have our own work to do.

***04/06/15

2015 ...

Lots of things happened in 2014 as some of you know, my 12 yr relationship and marriage ended, I spent 3 months as a guest in my own home, then had to move into a very small apartment and stuff my life into it.  Then, the last three months of the year tricked me into believing in something that wasn't... but it was a lesson I believe the universe wanted me to learn and for that I see 2015 going much differently.  I'm going to do my best to not be so damn bi-polar in my life from day to day.  I'm going to try and level out my emotions and keep them in check both positive and negative but mostly I'm taking charge of ME.  NO ONE else is making the decisions for me, I'm not going to allow anyone to steer me in a direction I don't really want totally, I'm not going to be someone I'm not to win someone's approval etc.  Damnit I am going to take the control back and be who I am.  This is me... take it or leave it.  All my life I have spent trying to please all those around me.  Today I choose to please me!   I feel liberated!  

On a side note:  I realized that the last time I did anything creative, artistic other than a few gifts for Christmas and a few sets of earrings for a vending thing in September, I have not done anything since the big D bomb was dropped.  My last finished art piece/doodle was April 20th, the next piece was started and not finished, the D bomb was dropped on the 25th of April.  I've found a LOT of things halted at that point.  Almost every aspect of my life seemed to have been stripped from me.  SO... in honor of the new me, I am going to take charge of that too and do my best to track down my muse and get some stuff created!  (Oh and re-scan (first ones the colors didn't come out right) and post all the stuff I did do up to the 24th of April.  Also I want to post the pics of the jewelry items I made as gifts etc as well.  SO... for those of you who do stay tuned in here...  if you do not see something from me soon, drop me a note and kick me in the butt!  (I'm on everyday to take care of my jewelry group so I will see it!)  Any help to get me motivated and get my mojo back is a good thing!  For now... I shall get some sleep and arise tomorrow a fresh and new woman!  (each day is a new me!)