If you really wanna skip all the deep explanations and stuff and get straight to the motto, scroll to the end!!! and please watch the videos they explain the motto!
Well considering the “now roommate yet still husband soon to be, at some point, ex” left Saturday morning on a trip to Midland/Odessa Texas and then to the Davis Mountains on his motorcycle it has left me alone to contemplate, deal, pack and overall in some cases turn into a blubbering idiot. HOWEVER, with that said. Monday/Tuesday was a bit of a milestone. Between my own thought process and input from others that I greatly respect and who know me and my history and Greg. I believe I have a MUCH better understanding of what some of the reasoning behind WHY my marriage has landed at the end of the road. And even maybe why he feels so obligated to go to the extremes he says he will to help me survive financially. (Which is partly the obvious – pity.) And whether I agree or think it is fair or like it is without merit, because, it is what it is, and it has become apparent that he has his own agenda and plans for the future, that of which started this week with his trip where he went camping and enjoying life alone doing things that I had hoped and wanted to do together.
If my assumption and conclusions are correct and accurate then it makes it easier to move forward with that knowledge because in the end it has NOTHING to do with anything I actually have had any real control over. I changed because I had my head cut open, I changed because I faced death, I changed because I didn't come out on the other side all fixed and better and good as new. Because I, without any doing on my own, was no longer the woman I was before, the woman he married and fell in love with.
Over the past seven years it’s been one battle after another, one reason, one excuse, after another as to WHY we were having problems. It basically started pretty much right after surgery, where he began to see that I wasn't going to be “good as new”. He seemingly started seeing me as less than what I was previously. That I became a different person due to my temperament and emotional changes. Mentioning that I over react and take things wrong, am too sensitive and get frustrated too easily. And put in other ways not necessary to list. He seems to think my reactions to things are inappropriate and personally I think he was and still is embarrassed of me. He tends to come at me as if I am a child, so I guess he sees me in that light, as if I somehow became what he considers immature after surgery. Many times mean his being angry and resentful because I would take things wrong or interpret things emotionally and then react.
Of course the fact that I did so was because I had feelings and was trying to be heard. Which unfortunately he doesn't seem to understand has NOTHING to do with maturity and everything to do with frustration, my own frustrations in what happened to me, what was promised and not received, the pain and complications etc. Even if I were taking things wrong or being over emotional, there were ways to work with me, help me, deal and find a way to help me get beyond, instead of judging me and putting up fences. Instead of being able to stand close to me and help me thru the rough spots, he distanced himself.
I think he was holding on to the hope, onto what that stupid doctor said, that I would be ‘good as new if not better in just weeks’ but that didn't happen and he never let go. He for some reason I think kept hoping that I would someday just miraculously recover and wake up and become the same person I was before, the person he initially fell in love with, the “woman” I was BEFORE the surgery. But that didn't happen, whether it is because of the shoddy job of the surgeon or even unforeseen and unexpected changes that the brain went through. Instead I came out flawed and broken.
The first year being the worst, because of my own anger about what happened and the lack of control on my emotions… then as the time passed I became resentful that he wasn't more supportive and helpful and understanding that he was pushing me away and didn't “want” me anymore, that he just kept growing further and further away. Six months after my surgery he lost his mother and that added another tier to the whole mess. He became very withdrawn and depressed, because not only had he lost his wife but then he lost his mother too. Sometimes words are said in the heat of the moment that stick and unfortunately sometimes those things are what we really feel inside and just wouldn't have said out loud normally and well… that was something he had said one time.
There were many, many conversations, the first of which had to do with the weight. I had gained around 40 pounds from the weight I was a month before surgery and tho I felt that it was unfair that it made any difference, the truth was that he didn't find me attractive anymore. And hasn't ever since. But I still tried desperately to fix that, but medications have a say in all that whole weight loss issue too so never seemed to be able to succeed. However, looking back now, it wouldn't have made any difference… not in the long run. The weight was just ONE of the many excuses/reasons that would be brought into the equation over the next years. All of which just continued to make things just get worse and worse, it’s a domino effect, which created resentment and hurt over and over.
At one point we did counseling, that was a farce all in all… things “appeared” better so I had hope… But in fact it was just to “smooth” things over I think, a bit of appeasement. Then there was another changed again, I finally after much, much pushing, got him to see a doctor about the depression and his health. Well treatment started, things changed, I thought for the better, again I had hope, and again… it was just like a half truth.
So I spent all this time, months of trying to be someone he could love, trying to fix all the things he said were the problem or that bothered him, at any cost I was willing to do what needed to be done to save the marriage to hopefully make it where he would love me again, trying desperately to control the frustration, and when it reared its head trying to quickly overcome it or mask it. At one point it he said I was too negative all the time, never did he seemingly consider the fact that his lack of relations with me had anything to do with it. So I then started double thinking everything I said or did and stuffing anything that might be slightly seen as negative. This actually became physically painful for me because of the stress of holding in my feelings and thoughts.
No matter what I have done, no matter how hard I tried, it was never going to be enough, I just didn't realize that… I just kept holding onto hope. (I heard the signs, saw the signs refused to acknowledge them.) During those times where I “thought” we were doing better, he says there was never any progress. He seems, I guess, that somehow in the last 7 years I've stayed the same person, like I've not changed and worked hard to overcome the hurdles.
Oh and then there is the whole memory problems, and the fact that I can’t managed to get “well” enough to become able to work again, meaning I am never going to be the self-sufficient, confident, independent woman I was before. My inability to retain new information and my constantly loosing pieces of things here and there, something that has and probably never will go away. Which again is something that is frustrating for me, but I’m supposed to hold that in because he gets irritated with my frustration and my “acting out” with it.
All of this disappointment is evidently something that my husband cannot get past. I have my own resentment for how this all turned out myself, but I never stopped being in love with my husband, and he changed too! But of course the changes that I have seen are because he doesn't like who I am. He is unable to love me the way he did before, and doesn't feel he ever will be able to love me the way he did or the way I need him to love me. Which I guess is the best answer I’m ever going to get from him.
But overall… it’s that I didn't go back to being the pre-surgery me. And no matter how hard I try it will not happen, even if I go back to a size 3, my personality changed, I faced death, had my head cut opened, lost the ability to retain information, compose words and sentences without stumbling, experience pain regularly, (most of which I hide unless it really catches me off guard or gets just that bad/intense) developed a multitude of health issues which may or may not be contributed to seizures that came about because of the changes in the brain due to surgery.
My emotions being on my sleeves and my experiencing frustration more frequently, easily and re-actively has much to do with ALL of this and more. The continuous battle to get his affection and love back only aggravated this entire ordeal over the past 7 years. Over and over trying to fix what was wrong with me and it never being enough or never working or not being what he wants. To tell me these are you flaws and yet then tell me… but I don’t want you to be someone else. Each time we would have an intense conversation (or argument or fight or discussion or any/all of the above) there would be more reasons, more things for me to try and work on and yet also more hope… false hope in the end.
The last battle let to where we are now. I pushed again, I wanted us FIXED, I wanted him to be in love with me. I didn't want to hear the words “I do love you and care for you deeply” I wanted to hear that he had desire for me and was in love with me and wanted me. But that is not what I heard. I heard a lot of “I don’t know what to say” “I don’t know how to put it” “I've said all I know to say”… so I ask, so what do we do? He suggested we try counseling again… again, I fell for the hope. (Gullible I guess) SO I went to the first three sessions alone, [March 13th, 17th, 24th] figured to give the woman a good feel for me and all my flaws and the 45 years of crap (all stuffed into three hours!) Then we went to a session as a couple… [April 4th] at that point, there was me talking, him sitting and not much being said except for me explaining how much I wanted it to work and how hurt I was that nothing I tried worked. He said little to nothing. At the end of the session, he insisted on setting up a session for him to come in [April 14th] on his own and again I felt… hopeful. The next session was both of us again… and that is when the D-bomb was dropped [April 24th]. And basically it was as I said before, he doesn't feel that he will ever be able to love me the way he did before or be able to love me the way I need him to.
Now as I've written in the previous entries, I didn't take this well, and I kept trying to figure out what was so wrong with me, why can’t he love me, why am I not good enough, what can I do to hold on and make it better!
He has been as gentle and kind and giving as possible. He has/is going above and beyond anything any man I've ever known to make sure I’m not left out in the cold. Which is pretty much what he has been doing over the past 7 years. I’m not saying he wasn't trying to put in effort on his own to try and see me differently but for some reason, his issue is that he can’t. Pure and simple, he can’t see me as the same person. Yes it hurts, it hurts like hell, at moments I still want to scream no… this can be fixed. But if in 7 years nothing has changed for him in how he feels for me… I’d truly be holding on to yet more false hope.
Taking a step back from all of this I realized something. It is NOT MY FAULT. I am NOT TO BLAME. I have done nothing be give, give and give of myself. Trying anything and everything. This is HIS doing or inability to do. There is some anger and resentment, how could there not be. But we have been together for 12 years and friends for damn near 20. I acknowledge he gave it effort to the best of HIS ability. He is now doing what he feels is fair and that is to end the pain that it has put me thru and the unhappiness that we have both had over the past 7 years. I can see that he does love me a lot, in a way that you care and love deeply for your closest friend or family member. He doesn't want to hurt me, but knows that the only way to stop is to do so. (That is some seriously really screwed up truth there!)
Once coming to this realization, and having a multitude of conversations with people I see that it is what has to happen. No matter how painful or how difficult, it has to happen. For both of us to not be stuck in yet more years of unhappiness, pain and heartache. There are times I really wish we could have come to this sooner, but I do believe even he was still holding out some sort of hope, tho maybe a different kind, that maybe it would change.
So we are here, today, at the end of a marriage, being roommates and trying desperately to hold onto the friendship thru the pain and resentment. I believe the friendship will make it, it will be damaged a bit, but will recover, as best as it can. I’m not sure I understand how that all works just yet.
The steps from here are complicated however. We have to wait to see if the Government will finally approve my SSD (disability) so that I have SOME of my own income… what little it will most likely be IF I do get approved. If I don’t get approved things get extremely more complicated. Once that ground is covered, which we should have some answers within the first two weeks of June at the latest, then we start the rest of the financial aspects of the dissolution of the marriage. Assets, support, legalities, etc. If I do get SSD, we should know at least how much a month and when it will start and when to expect the back pay, which will be used to reduce as much debt as possible so that this will be an easier process. He has promised to do all he can to make sure I am not left needing for my basics. He wants to make sure the car is paid for so I don’t have monthly payments, and wants the credit debts reduced as much as possible so that I don’t have those either.
So no matter how it hurts, how I feel about it, how others see it, etc. He is doing his best to be honorable and upstanding in the ending of this all. We live in the same house, I am now set up in another bedroom, and he purchased a nice daybed for me. We are working towards figuring out who gets what and doing it all as amicable as possible. So far no fights, tho there may be some dispute on the custody of the four legged fur balls. I am not in a position to be able to afford vet care etc. not to mention pet deposits among some other issues. But… overall it's just logistics now and being able to co-exist in the same house without it tearing either of us down.
There will have to be some limits put into place tho because recently something he did cut me deep… and either he is just that oblivious and wasn't thinking or he was trying to make a point/joke or who knows what. But it HURT! Being in Midland and planning this trip and going camping he was still considering other camping areas, so he sent me a link to the Davis Mountains camp and then a second link to another location, when I clicked on the link the first thing that pops up on the site is a couple holding hands walking along a beach. OUCH… now it wasn't so much just the couple holding hands, that I could have possibly gotten past, but it was on the beach and that is the one thing he KNOWS is something WE were supposed to do. I've never been to the gulf or an ocean or a beach and that was a plan we had talked about many, many times over the past 12 years. So I told him it hurt, he didn't understand why, he was just looking at the ocean…. Really??? Again… oblivious? I was angry and very hurt! And I had to explain it to him. Mind you this is via text and the response I got well seemed insensitive at best. It wasn't even an apology, it was “Ahhhhh… Yeah. :-\”
So needless to say there are some areas that are going to have to be discussed and we are both continuing to go to the counseling and will have an occasion couple’s session so that we can maybe find a medium ground for this sort of thing. I've run into a couple of other areas/things that we will have to address and so the road ahead is a rocky one. With help and support of my friends and family and maybe a drink or two here and there, I will get thru this to the other side.
So... even tho I see myself as broken and flawed... at least I have the understanding and acceptance that this is my new life (tho I do falter on the comfort of that) but I know it is what it is. One of the hard parts is that for him things really haven’t changed since this whole D-bomb was dropped, a weight was lifted for him if anything, so his communication with me and interaction with me is almost the same, he has seen me as more of a friend than a wife for the past 7 years. For me… it’s another whole ball game. I'm not angry ... (well maybe a bit) but mainly just disappointed, and feeling a bit betrayed. My whole future as I knew of it was shattered in a few brief words on April 24th somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 pm and all the plans and dreams all gone. Now I have to pick up what pieces I have left at the age of 45 years old, broken, flawed and well many other things to many to mention.
SO, WITH ALL THAT SAID… I do not blame myself, I know I did all that I could do, and I know I have no control over what the after effects of that surgery caused… so for who I am today (which is still a loving and very giving person… it’s HIS LOSS.
And I am seemingly not alone in that feeling. (Not to sound arrogant but he had a good thing, devoted, loving, faithful and willing to give and give!) Many I know seem to agree.
SO with that I have found a few new "theme songs" for myself to get me thru my days and build myself up etc. Together they have created my MOTTO: "I'm gonna find that brand new me and it’s gonna be a new dawn, a new day and a new life and I'm gonna feel good and he's gonna miss me when I'm gone! And I will be brave!"
***I just couldn't resist using all the song title/words" ****
Here are my new theme songs. (links to versions or singers that I like not necessarily the original artists)
Brand New Me by Alicia Keys covered by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ytR5RDnJ7eY
Feeling good originally by Nina Simone's but more recently redone by Michael Buble but covered here by Carly Rose Soneclar: http://youtu.be/ffyZNW7Ra7M
Cups from Pitch Perfect by Anna Kendrick : http://youtu.be/cmSbXsFE3l8
Brave by Sara Bareilles: http://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4
