My last entry was just a little over a month ago.
My would be 10 yr anniversary came and went and I didn’t
shed a tear, the night before (a Wednesday) I had burgers with him and we took
care of a few more loose ends that helped emotionally bring some closure and
even that only brought a couple of tears.
I thought with that I had made great strides and I was going to be all
good after that, boy was I wrong. On the
following Saturday night/Sunday morning I spent about 5 hours crying non-stop
and at times I mean full out bawling. The following days were extremely hard
for me because I had overdosed on emotional adrenaline along with other things
that I had done the days before and after.
This week has been another one of those where I have been
doing good to get out of bed, I wake up with headaches and physically
hurt. Then I get up thinking I’m going to
make this day work, I’m going to accomplish something. Next thing I know the day is coming to an end
and I’ve done nothing of any value.
Motivation is dead in the water.
When I was at “our” house the day before the anniversary I
visited the ancient one (an old tree that is beyond the fence of the back
yard). He was my connection to nature and kind of my muse – or so I
thought. I was hoping that it would help
me move forward artistically and was convinced it would. Guess I was wrong. Tho I will still very much miss my ancient
one. All the rain in May made him fall
quite a bit. The before and after pics
below show what he was like before.
I have to find my motivation, I have to get my life
back. I have a vending event September 5th,
by then I really REALLY need to have a lots of new stuff. Right now I have very little made and that is
not a good thing. I’m splitting the
booth with a friend Bethany, hopefully we can both make over our cost for the
booth space!!! (I got lucky and got a
spot for us, I think someone helped in that area, and I am very grateful for
that.)
I have just a little over 4 months to get things ready to
move as well as make jewelry and make a trip to San Antonio and possibly
Houston if logistics can be figured out.
I really need to get past this block.
I can’t wait until the last minute to do things because then my body and
brain will fight each other and too much of that and I’ll be even more useless.
Anyways, so I guess I’m still grieving. It’s not so much that I miss him or want him back
that would be insane. What I think I am
grieving the most is the loss of that planned future and the loss of what was
once and the hope of having that again.
In all of my life, out of all my relationships, he was the one I truly felt
was my one love to last forever. By
December I will be starting my life over in another state, away from him, the
house, the friends, etc. I’m scared but
at the same time somewhat anxious, and feels like it just isn’t happening fast
enough, (which is a good thing I guess since I can’t get my act together.
) Now I have to start a new future.
Between starting this journal entry and ending it I found
out that there are some health issues/deficiencies that may be contributing to
my overall energy/motivation issues.
Learn something new every day.
Low vitamin D levels because I forgot to up the dose and the fact that I
never started the Vitamin B5. (Both
suggested by my PCP recently.)
Anyways, I’m going to make some adjustments to my health and
try to focus on creating my new life!
Positive energies, prayers, etc. welcome. :D
(Reminder though I edit and re-edit I still miss typos and spelling
the words wrong or confusing words so sorry about if I missed some!)
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