This is the final road

Five more days and I'm moving into my apartment.  Away from my home, divorce filed, temporary orders will be in place, and reality is gonna be really hard to handle.

I wish I could say I'm as strong as everyone seems to think I am, but this one is breaking me, tearing at every fiber of my being.  I feel like I'm sinking.   I keep trying to think of some way to wake up from all of this and it's all a bad dream... problem is... wake up when?  6 months ago, 1 year, 7 years.... and not have surgery , 9 years and not married him, 12 years ago and not moved him to Dallas and started the relationship or all the way back to 1996 and just not met him.  I love him so much and I can't imagine him not in my life and want our friendship to survive... but I'm so hurt and betrayed.  :(

Songs from the 80's keep popping up that are fitting.... or everywhere I look I see happy couples and marriage and shit like that.  I just can't do this shit!

I'm at a point in my life where I wonder if it is worth it.  I'm 45, disabled and broken.  I'll get up again tomorrow and do it all over again and again and again.  For everyone else.