THIS is NOT my HOME!`

This is not my home, this is a place where my stuff is located, a place where I sleep, a place where I eat, but THIS is not my home!

It's not about whether or not all my belongings are put in place, or how I decorate.  It's where I am not that makes this wrong.  My heart is elsewhere, my dreams are destroyed, my hopes are gone, my future is now an empty place in the space around me.

In this life I have succeeded at very little and the one thing I seem to have succeed at the best is being alone.  No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love, no matter how much I give, no matter who I trust, I always end up... alone.  I am broken inside and out.  I'm tired and I am alone.  

Yes I'll make it through another day, I'll live through all of the heartache and pain again.  But when will it end?  I asked a million times over why did I survive my surgery, to only have lived the last seven years fighting to hold on to what was not meant to be.  I got my "two minutes" it was short and sweet and is now gone, never to be again.

I want to dip my heart in hot steel and seal it up forever, never to give... never to receive... never to hurt so deeply again.

My home... was with him, my home was there, in the house we bought to spend the rest of our lives in, the house where I planned our future days.  Not this apartment that is holding my stuff, where the silence is deafening and the rooms are empty space no matter how much stuff I put in them.  I can talk to walls, they may even listen... but they do not laugh at my follies nor do they show enthusiasm in things I show or do.  They are just walls, holding up the space between the floor and the ceiling.  So though they may protect me, they do not comfort me.

I do not want to be here... but this is where I am.... and I guess it is where I am meant to be.... alone.

OH the joys...

Just ONE fot he rooms.  I have NO idea where I am going to put it all.  I am sure I will have to get rid of some things, unfortunately probably books.  :(   And the joys of apartment living... people stomping on your head.  I'm happy that there doesn't appear to be children but this person walks like a freakin elephant!!!

Busy Busy... Oh and I had to report damage that needs to be fixed asap also.  These apartments looked to be very nice, and tho I expected the apartment to be less than the show one, I did NOT expect this and told them I expected better and was VERY disappointed.  They immediately put in a work order within ten minutes, but I had to  delay it by a day so I can move boxes and make room for them to safely travel in and out etc.  The girls at the office were unaware and shocked by the pictures that I too.

Here are just a two of 31 pics I took:

 

Move In day

It's Moving Day...

picture above it not me... tho I am a redhead.

I HATE THIS DAY.... HATE HATE HATE HATE IT

It's the last day I get to live in MY home.

I don't wanna go, I don't wanna be single again.

Holding it together is going to be very very difficult today.

Day 1 of 4 of the moving process... :( *sigh*

Day 1 of moving stage starts today.... sort of.  Gotta get the final stages of boxing up done, pick up my modem for my internet and who knows what else.   Tomorrow we start loading the truck with all the boxes and stuff that can be easily taken to the truck.  Saturday we have a few helpers coming to help with the few bigger items I have (really mainly the washer and dryer and my amoire, dresser, desk and table.  I don't have a lot of furniture just s SH!T TON of boxes!!!!

This is the final road

Five more days and I'm moving into my apartment.  Away from my home, divorce filed, temporary orders will be in place, and reality is gonna be really hard to handle.

I wish I could say I'm as strong as everyone seems to think I am, but this one is breaking me, tearing at every fiber of my being.  I feel like I'm sinking.   I keep trying to think of some way to wake up from all of this and it's all a bad dream... problem is... wake up when?  6 months ago, 1 year, 7 years.... and not have surgery , 9 years and not married him, 12 years ago and not moved him to Dallas and started the relationship or all the way back to 1996 and just not met him.  I love him so much and I can't imagine him not in my life and want our friendship to survive... but I'm so hurt and betrayed.  :(

Songs from the 80's keep popping up that are fitting.... or everywhere I look I see happy couples and marriage and shit like that.  I just can't do this shit!

I'm at a point in my life where I wonder if it is worth it.  I'm 45, disabled and broken.  I'll get up again tomorrow and do it all over again and again and again.  For everyone else.

Too close for comfort...

SO, in less than two weeks I will be moving into an apartment that is half the size of my home and will be very much alone 99% of the time. For one, I hate moving... but this ... this goes way beyond hating to move. The pain inside is overwhelming and sleep is fleeting at best. I'm hurt and spend more way too much time crying. BUT ... I have to suck it up and get my shit together by next Friday. And by that I mean ALL my shit together, gotta get the rest of my stuff packed (a good portion has to wait to the very last day!... ugh) Gotta get electric and internet turned on at the apartment. Gotta get the water and gas swapped over to the "wasbunds" name asap. Gotta light a fire under the attorney's ass or shall I say the paralegal's ass!!! Getting really fed up with that whole deal. Uncontested means SIMPLE... but these people are trying their best to complicate it because then they can make more money... or so they think. Really I'm at a loss, for someone who is supposed to be helping ME out they are doing quite the opposite! I'm in desperate need of Temporary Orders of Spousal Support and proof of continued medical coverage until said time that the divorce is final and permanent orders are in effect. I have absolutely no way to prove income of any kind other than the measly $805 via SSD which at the moment is not $805 because they keep taking out the Part B when I've sent them the card to opt out! Ugh.

Anyways, so it has been almost three full months since the D-bomb was dropped and I'm finally getting away from the house, it hurts like hell but I supposed not being around him daily will hurt less .... eventually. You would think that by now I would just be angry at him for not wanting to be my husband, but he makes it hard to be angry when he is doing all that he is for me. But the hurt is still very overwhelming. Anyways, figured an update was in order.

All in all ... I'm not at all in a good place emotionally and have no idea how to get thru this, just making it thru each day one at a time is hard enough!