Its been 6 weeks now

It's been six weeks now and it feels like its been 6 months... and I just keep having to tell myself.... just keep swimming, just keep swimming...   UGH.........

I did get some good news and that is that I got my approval for my SS disability, but still do not know how much or when etc.   Gonna try and get a consult set up with an attorney as soon as we know the details on that monthly amount and start date so we have a starting point and go from there. Need to find out what all needs to be in order to get this done amicably and quickly.

This living on three hours of sleep is gonna kill me or make me kill.  O.o

EDIT: (later that day) - The hardest thing for me is to not throw things, scream and yell why????   He came to me with nothing... a duffle bag and a few boxes, no car, no job.  A friend of mine helped me get him here to DFW so he could get on his feet.  NOW.... He has a successful career and had a wife that was devoted to him 110% and then some... but I'm flawed and broken, so now...  I'm the one that will be without.  I will have a car, but I'll be living in an apartment that is worse than the one I had when he got here, I will have to depend on him and Social security for my entire existence.  I feel betrayed and thrown away.  I keep having people tell me things like it's not you, he's being stupid or shallow.  But the thruth is... I am broken, I am flawed, I am a burden financially and so where does this leave me ... what kind of future can I possibly look forward to at this point in my life.  

That say to have had love is better than to never have been loved.    THAT is BULLSHIT!  If I hadn't had it... then I wouldn't know what I am losing, if I hadn't gotten that first 5 years (pre tumor surgery) then this wouldn't be so bad.  But having had this amazing relationship, having moved up and onward in my life with a man I loved and adored and cherished, who became a rock in my world.  To go from apartment living to buying a home, married and full of love and laughter... and now...  THIS.    I can't even express it out loud tho because if I do then I could loose even more.  At this point I'm not sure if any of this is even worth the trouble anymore.  O.o