Twisted

I'm all kinds of twisted up inside.  Angry, scared, furious, sad, disappointed.   I want to scream and yell and beat on things but can't.  I have to hold my composure.  I have to "protect" what little future I have left to look forward too.  And the more I talk the more it is looking like that isn't going to be much more than the courts mandate.  :(  

It seems that he is already looking at his life in a better light, where mine seems like a black hole that HE is throwing me into.  The more the days pass by the more comfortable he becomes in his decision, no regrets and doesn't seem to be all that damn sad about it either.

Discussing future places to live, he looks for apartments with garages ... which are way more expensive that we he was looking at for me.  I'm on this cheap ass, I'm screwed budget.  With more bills than he'll have when it is all said and done.

I was wondering yesterday what is it that he is actually having to give up that could bother him... and well... honestly, my "services" as a housekeeper and maid and Jill of all trades.  Monetarily he's not loosing much of anything, And those small things he may loose, he can easily replace.  I've been trying to condense, throw away and give away my craft room stuff.  It's taken me years to build this up, little by little, using gift cards and a monthly "art card" allowance and lots of recycling.  Now all that is being is up in the air as to what I get to keep.

We still haven't gone thru movies and pc games, I still have to make the "final" list.  But hey I got at least 10 more weeks minimum to work on that.. probably more like three months.  :(   I just do not know how to get thru this, my chest hurts, my eyes sore, my nose chapped.  What is so wrong with me that he can't get past?  This is so very very VERY unfair.  (not that life is fair... and yeah... heard all the cliche's and if I hear another someone might loose their head!!!)