Twisted

I'm all kinds of twisted up inside.  Angry, scared, furious, sad, disappointed.   I want to scream and yell and beat on things but can't.  I have to hold my composure.  I have to "protect" what little future I have left to look forward too.  And the more I talk the more it is looking like that isn't going to be much more than the courts mandate.  :(  

It seems that he is already looking at his life in a better light, where mine seems like a black hole that HE is throwing me into.  The more the days pass by the more comfortable he becomes in his decision, no regrets and doesn't seem to be all that damn sad about it either.

Discussing future places to live, he looks for apartments with garages ... which are way more expensive that we he was looking at for me.  I'm on this cheap ass, I'm screwed budget.  With more bills than he'll have when it is all said and done.

I was wondering yesterday what is it that he is actually having to give up that could bother him... and well... honestly, my "services" as a housekeeper and maid and Jill of all trades.  Monetarily he's not loosing much of anything, And those small things he may loose, he can easily replace.  I've been trying to condense, throw away and give away my craft room stuff.  It's taken me years to build this up, little by little, using gift cards and a monthly "art card" allowance and lots of recycling.  Now all that is being is up in the air as to what I get to keep.

We still haven't gone thru movies and pc games, I still have to make the "final" list.  But hey I got at least 10 more weeks minimum to work on that.. probably more like three months.  :(   I just do not know how to get thru this, my chest hurts, my eyes sore, my nose chapped.  What is so wrong with me that he can't get past?  This is so very very VERY unfair.  (not that life is fair... and yeah... heard all the cliche's and if I hear another someone might loose their head!!!)

Trudging Forward

I'm still trudging forward, not that I have a lot of choice in the matter (or shall I say positive better choices).  I'm still trying to find a way to "deal' in the circumstances.  Still trying to find a safe spot to stand so that I don't sink any further.  My days are like trying to walk thru rivers of thick sticky mud.  

I get to a certain point and realize how much more I have to go, how much further I have to go.  I packed up boxes of books, and frogs and memories and gone thru camping gear, some simple shit like games and the obvious kitchen stuff.  My current project is weeding thru and boxing up my craft room.  To see how much I can comfortably toss away and how much I can maybe hold onto if I just condense it enough.  I'm not able to get the shelving I want to work out how much space I truly will have so I'm  sure I'll box stuff up, get there and realize I still have to toss things.  I hate moving and I really thought that last time was THE last time, I mean, we bought a house, had plans for the future, worked on the yard, took care of some of the problems, built a new shed, renovated the bathrooms after a few "issues".  But had so many more things in my mind to work towards.  Now all that is gone.

My future still seems very bleak, me and my stuff crammed into an apartment I can't not afford to pay for myself, that I have to depend on the government and "spousal support" to pay for.  I'll spend the rest of my years worrying about when that will end.  How will I continue forward when inflation goes up but my income doesn't.  I've been a burden on this world for years now.  Unable to pull my own weight. NOW I'm going to continue to be a burden on someone who just wants to move on with his life without that burden.  Yet he only gets rid of having to bare the burden physically, financially is another battle.

Sometimes I wonder if some of this wasn't planned back years ago, slowly trying to see if it would help prepare me, or maybe it was hope on his part that some miraculous thing would happen and I would wake up one morning and be ALL GOOD AS NEW. :(  

Was thinking about personal ads (after responding to a post on FB) and realized that my personal ad would be quiet a scary one.  Traits I need in a person that I could/would be possibly (if ever) willing to get involved with (slightly... nothing huge or life committing.. been there done that!  burned to a crisp!)

1. Must be patient and able to deal with an emotional and physically needy person.
2. Must be able to tolerant of simple outbursts of frustrations and irritations (from physical deficits)
3. Must be willing to work with and around my disabilities caused by brain surgery and be understanding, caring, supportive and helpful in over coming them if possible.
4. Must be able to understand "dee dee dee" fluently! (or willing to learn!)
5. Must be willing to pull me thru the rough spots.
6. Must be intelligent and acknowledge that it doesn't just come from books!
7. Must be non-religious or agnostic.  (no preaching to this gal!)
8. Must not be sunk into the middle of the political battlefields of the USA - This gal doesn't do politics.
9. Must however can be a bit liberal minded, earth conscious but not overboard.
10. Must have interests in art, science-fiction, outdoors and campiing.
11. Must love dogs (and cats and other animals too!)
12. Must be tolerant of an over abundance of frog stuff, ie: stuffed frogs, figurines, etc.)
13. Must be accepting that I am disabled an unable to work, to contribute to the dating game, need to be old fashioned courted.  
14. Must understand that I spent a life time of being independent, self sufficient and capable of handling just about any problem given to me and know that I will still do what ever my mind and body allow.  (This is usually in the form of home repairs, fixing things that break, finding work arounds etc.)
15. Must be willing to accept my four adult children for who they are, flaws, past mistakes and all and not judge them or treat them unfairly unless fully warranted by direct action between you and said child.
16. Be okay with the fact that I have 5 grandkids ranging from 7 to 2 between two of my kids. 
17. Be willing to handle and acknowledge that I come with 45 years of baggage and some of that shit is heavy!!!   But understand that you can not FIX me.  I'm not a broken sink.
18. I may be flawed in the mental department due to deficits from brain surgery, I may be broken some in the physical abilities problem due to back, knee and joints but.... I am still not a project to be fixed.

This is when I realized that my life forward is going to be a lonely one.  There is no personal out there that is going to be willing to accept me for who I am 100%  mind, emotions, physical, etc. and be willing and able to spend any amount of extended time dealing with it all.  Which I guess is fine, considering it would be BEYOND stupid of me to get into another committed/involved/long term relationship, I think at this point... I'm moved WAY beyond that.  I did before the last one evidently.  I GIVE UP on that shit!

I have no dreams left that can be fulfilled, I have no future to look forward to that is even remotely close to what I "thought" I might have someday.  Instead, I'll be living from one supplemental check to another, hoping to keep my head above water and wishing that I could take the necessary actions without the harmful effects that it would cause on others to put an end to all the bullshit.  Time to put my affairs in order.  To make sure when things do come to a point where it's my time, that I have something in order and do not leave my children with nothing but bills and junk.  (not sure how I'm going to do that!)  And I don't mean that I plan on offing myself.... that would be a bit selfish of me even if in the long run it would ease the future for others.

SO... I've rambled and expressed and released.... Time to move forward in my day.  Bleh.