The Road Ahead

The road ahead appears to be one that resembles this picture a very long and bumpy road.  (hopefully without any road blocks or spike strips!)

My to be former husband (the term ex right now just seems so harsh) and I had a very productive talk last night that put me at ease some because he finally acknowledge his part in all of this and much more.  He indeed feels badly about it all.  He has a better outlook on my future however than I do.  I don't think he has really grasped that reality just yet.   Our friendship has always been a strong one, but this puts a lot of strain on it.  Because I am still "IN" love with him, it makes it hard.  I still want to randomly say "I love you" and still want to give him a kiss and touch him.  He gives me consoling hugs and now they are tighter than they have been in 7 years.  It's confusing.  The part this is tearing me up right now the most is that our 9 year anniversary is coming up about a month (June 25th) and I do NOT know how to handle that.  I plan on going out of town so that I am not in the house with him, one so I am not a blubbering idiot that makes him feel worse for being honest and doing the upstanding and honorable things is his.  And for him, because he has been VERY emotional about all of this as well.  I've seen him cry more over all of this than I did thru out the period of time after his mother suddenly passed away.  It's hard for both of us to see each other hurt, yesterday marked 12 years of us being together in a relationship.  (Our friendship is about 20 years worth!)

Last night I had cried some when he walked off to bed, but then recovered.  BUT when I was laying in bed I remembered I had to put something on my calendar on my phone and ran across the repeating anniversary entry.  I tried to delete it, but it won't let me.  And I think it may be tied to both our FB accounts.  He plans on keeping his status married and wearing his ring until the papers are filed.  I can't.  Not because I want to be seen as a single woman but because to me, the rings symbolize the bond between us, the becoming of one, mine was a spinner, one sits inside the other and the two pieces can not be removed.  I took it off in front of him and told him, I will keep it forever, but I cannot wear it because he has broken that bond.

Legalities and paperwork do not make the marriage that is a small "legal" detail.  We discussed a few other things concerning my needs as well so that having to stay in the same house will be more tolerable.  It is going to be a VERY LONG BUMPY ROAD.   I think I will see hurdles, spike strips and road blocks, I just have to find ways to get past them.   None of this relationship/divorce stuff is out on FaceBook (by his request... he doesn't' want the drama) so if for some reason someone is reading this and has a FB acct.  Please respect that decision, you can message me privately and I'll talk etc, just not on open posts!