Another day of heart break...

When your world ends!

When pain internal, becomes pain external,

 hope becomes a pipe dream.

Broken... Hurt and crying... so lost!

(Artist - Jaime Zatloukal Best)

SO much has happened in the last 29 hours.  I don't even know where to begin.  I guess at the end... strangely it is appropriate.
My marriage and relationship of 13 years has ended.  The battle is over, he is no longer willing to try and love the person I've become since surgery.   He was the one who suggested counseling this time, but yesterday I found out why.  The first three sessions were me alone, then one with us, then he insisted on one alone, then we went together yesterday.  Well yesterday was to discuss the ending of our relationship, to help "ease" me down I guess.  To say that I am hurt just doesn't even begin to touch it.

He is unable to love me the way he did before, he has tried to love the person I am, he cares for me deeply and does love me but not in the way a man loves his wife.     I have cried and barely slept.  The hardest part of this is having to live in the same house with him for at least another three to four months.  To be "roommates"     

Night before last, I got three kisses and an "I love you" before he went to lay down.  Tonight  I got a "Time for me to crash, night night" and down the hall he went.  I bawled... and bawled and sobbed and sobbed.  I have no idea how to handle ANY of this.
In our discussion last night after counseling I mentioned that I didn't know how I was supposed to go in and lay down next to him knowing that it's all over.  That maybe I should get a daybed and put it in the front bedroom.  SO when he got home from work, he started looking at Daybeds for me.   And a dresser.    I can't ...  I don't know how... I am not sure if I can make it thru this.

The time frame is because we are STILL waiting to hear what the judges decision on the disability is and IF I get approved (finally) then we go from there and figure out how to complete the whole divorce process.  If I get denied, well same thing, then we get to figure out how the heck it's gonna work.
Talk about getting the short end of the stick.  I'm loosing everything, my marriage, my home, my hopes, dreams and plans for the future, security... and that is just the tip of the iceberg.  I'm so very very very lost!!!   So, one of two things will probably happen over the next four months.  I will either become very active here or I'll almost disappear.  I'm not sure how I am going to have internet after that.  I know I will, just gotta figure out which sacrifice has to be made.  (not like there is a lot available to choose from!) 

Anyways, just a heads up.

Keep shining on... someone has to.

"Ko muhuhok na mik aqa nop!"  Yiqanuc for: "When it falls on your head, then you are knowing it is a rock!"

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